Reports have confirmed that Charles Martinet was forced to relinquish his position as the video game voice of Super Mario, after a fierce confrontation with Chris Pratt at Nintendo's Redmond headquarters.
Loyalty gets you nowhere these days. After spending over 3 decades painstakingly squealing like a prepubescent infant, the voice of Italian plumber Mario Mario has suddenly seen his final game over screen. Nintendo has been strangely coy regarding Martinet's dismissal, preferring to reveal that he's now touring the world under the guise of "Mario ambassador", and were yet to name a direct successor.
Someone must have forgotten to give Chris Pratt the memo, as the Hollywood actor recently gloated to reporters that he's taken the role from Martinet, after a fierce encounter at Nintendo's Redmond headquarters.
"It was time for that expired, lanky corpse to step aside and let this young buck take the reigns." Touted 44 year old Chris Pratt.
"We were walking out of CEO Doug Bowser's office after signing a vocal contract for Super Mario Bros Movie 2: Yoshi's Pregnancy, when Bowser & I bumped into the freak. He had just spent 3 hours acting like a constipated baby for the upcoming Waluigi Daycare game, when Martinet gazed upon my brilliance.Frothing at the mouth, he wasted no time telling me my rendition of Mario was far superior than his."
"How pathetic. Clearly trying to get under my skin. I had no choice but to remind Charles of my supreme knowledge of the Super Mario Bros. universe. Like the very first time I fired up Super Mario Bros with my Dad on his Fairchild Channel F in 1982, or the classic story of me hanging out in my local Brooklyn laundromat, throwing endless quarters into the Super Mario Kart machine, attempting to get past the very first level, Daytona Circuit!"
The 'F' in Fairchild Channel F stands for "Fucked", because it was fucking shit, even back then.
"Charles couldn't handle the pure facts and quivered on the ground like a trauma patient — especially during my honest recollection of playing Mario & Knuckles on PS1. Not sure why they made mario spin through boxes or changed the rings to apples, but Nintendoes what Soncan't. I told Bowser that I just Sega Smash Broe'd Martinet's career into pieces."
Yes, you are having a stroke.
"Doug then called Nintendo Japan CEO Hamtaro Furry-Coward-San immediately, shouting 'pieces, pieces, pieces, pieces, pieces' with increasing velocity,. He then proceeded to nod hi head at the voice call, and hung up. I was offered the role of gaming Mario then and there."
Nintendo, no doubt already thinking about disposing Martinet's in favour of using several hundred thousand voice samples to generate an AI voice for free, opted for commercial star power. However with star power comes caveats, such as excessive and potentially damaging demands.
"They're changing the backstory of the Mario Kingdom and fans are going to love it. Peaches Castle is now Hillsong Castle. Yoshi has become the T-Rex from Jurassic World. Toadsworth is that old fuck from Parks & Rec. Many more surprises await. Let's a goooooooooo!!!!!!!"
So long gay Bowser.
