A harrowing revelation has leaked outside the hallowed walls of Sony Europe, infuriating PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan and placing the company hierarchy on the offensive against its own staff.
PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan is a little battered and bruised. Just when it appears the polarising head of gaming's lead platform has finally learned to meaninglessly pander to hardcore fans or shut his big, fat mouth, Mr Ryan always manages to exceed our low expectations with his impeccable charisma.
Reports have circulated gaming media outlets suggesting that when the next generation PS5 successor is revealed further in the future, that the console's name is already confirmed to be the PlayStation 6 (PS6), shocking literally no one.
Well, except PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan of course.
Furious with the leak, big Ji-Ry took to the platform he knows best to express his immense distain with his employees — Sony's internal memo system.
"To my neutral, impartial human drones of SIE, (Sony Interactive Entertainment)"
"With great sadness, I need to reveal the deeply disturbing news that we have a traitor among us. Some disgusting human being has leaked extremely confidential details pertaining to the successor of the PlayStation 5."
"That's right. The CATS ARE OUT OF THE BAG NOW, aren't they!?!? Everyone made fun of me for my playful anecdote about my stupid fucking cats that I couldn't give two shits about — even if they were run over by a car right in front of my eyes by that PlayStation employee who tried to groom a child online. I was just trying to keep company morale at a comfortable, politically correct level to avoid any controversy about our employees having an opinion about America's mentally retarded abortion laws."
"Well, for the person who leaked this strategically critical information, you're going to wish abortion was illegal when I find you, because I'll abort your contract with this company, and ruin your life so badly with legal ramifications, you're going to want to crawl right back up inside your mothers womb where she'll then decided to abort you like she wished she did all of those years ago when you accidentally appeared."
"If Sony Interactive Entertainment ever has to downsize, it's purely because of this PS6 screw-up and not my incompetence. Gamers are some of the dumbest, most brain dead humans on the planet and stupid surprises like the name of the next PlayStation are part of the hype cycle. We're ruined. It's all trending downward from here because of this one screw-up!"
"Well. Now that's off of my chest. My aspirations of one day owning a dopey dog that has to depend on me because I feed it took a lovely step further today, when I fantasized about frolicking in the field with a ratty Chihuahua as it barked at a...."
Jesus and I thought Era Error's boss was an asshole. Oh wait, he is.
