We've spent 4 months in complete isolation lusting over the Oculus Quest 2 VR headset by Facebook. The experience has left ourselves with a crippling dependence to the device and unable to reintegrate into regular society. Here's why you should follow our lead.
Era Error initially had no intention of releasing a review for the Oculus Quest 2. If it weren't for Facebook who secretly tracked our disgusting browser history and determined we were the perfect candidates for an appraisal headset, this important analysis wouldn't come to be. Thank you Facebook for deplorably invading our privacy!
When we finally retrieved the Oculus Quest 2 back from the courier who pretended to deliver the parcel only to steal it for himself, we were skeptical on the headset's abilities. This would be Era Error's first foray into virtual reality — a barrier long held due to our under powered work PC's that still utilise Intel Pentium 3 processors.
I took the liberty of going first. The second the headset was over tightened and reducing circulation to my brain, I was fully immersed. Not sure on what to play, I decided to follow the consensus of the room and tried to play 'Beat Saber'. We hadn't set up casting in the office yet so my colleagues couldn't help, but for what I knew, selecting virtual desktop and logging into my Pornhub Premium account was the correct way to go.
After finding the most psychotic Russian VR porn available, I dropped my pants and proceeded to beat my saber. The sexual moans permeating out of the Quest 2's speakers was filled with such intensity, that it masked the screams of disdain from my co-workers. The vivid and lifelike experience ensured I only lasted another 25 seconds until I climaxed, disappointing all of the 5 minute cum challenges plastered around the video.
"Strangely, none of the staff would accept my friendly high fives after the momentous achievement."
When I took the headset off, the other employees politely noted that Beat Saber was a rhythmic music video game. I then abused my power as owner and immediately forced everyone into signing a NDA to repress any work-place misconduct and decided to take the headset home with me for a more... personalised analysis.
To ensure this review was well rounded, I tried a diverse range of apps and input devices. From Xvideos to Naughty America VR, I left no stone un-turned. I sure hope no one looks at my recent purchases on Amazon, because there's quite a few variations of Flesh Lights (and other dubious products) in my possession at the moment!
Unfortunately one of the struggles with Virtual Reality is trying to convey the experience to others who aren't utilising the technology. No amount of lewd screenshots or pictures of myself pleasuring can detail the immersion, but let me tell you this; I didn't leave my apartment for over 4 months — and that wasn't because of COVID fears.
Now before I detail my final notes, please understand that I am now the world record holder for Captain Hardcore and also managed to fuck a Storm Trooper in Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge. Long story short, I am over qualified and my opinion on the Oculus Quest 2 should be taken as gospel.
