Not content with their behemoth US$7.5 Billion acquisition of Bethesda, Microsoft has decided to impulse purchase both Sony and Nintendo, effectively ending the video game console wars that has plagued the earth since the 1970's.
Microsoft's timing of these acquisitions is incredibly peculiar, as both Sony and Microsoft launched competing next generation game systems literally last week. Nintendo is also approaching its 4th year with their popular Switch system, which begs the question: Why would Microsoft purchase both companies now?
"There's no denying that the Xbox brand was finally heading in the right direction. The Series X was about to make significant inroads to Sony's PlayStation market share and our Xcloud initiative was set to pursue Nintendo's dominance in the dedicated portable market, leaving internal projections incredibly positive." Said Xbox Head Phil Spencer.
"But one day I was playing a free to play game and thought, 'Fuck it.' Microsoft has more than enough capital to easily purchase both Sony and Nintendo. What's the point of competing when we can simply pay to win? *laughs*"
"Armed with my epiphany I immediately organised a call with capitalist pig Bill 'Billy Goat' Gates. The conversation lasted no more than 30 seconds and consisted entirely of Bill repeating the phrase "Fuckin buy em' all. We're gonna own the planet!" which increased with aggression after his every repeat."
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| The Skype call suffered signature transmission issues and disconnected. |
"My next task was to facilitate a deal with Sony and Nintendo — Two proudly traditional Japanese entities. I thought we would've faced more opposition, but with the hostility towards China thanks to COVID-19 and enormous volatility in the market, I guess our offer of 500 Billion USD a piece was too tempting to resist."
"The lesson I would like to emphasise from all of this is that raw talent doesn't matter. Gaming is for all types of people — no matter how good or abysmally fucking shit you are — as long as the size of your (or your parents) credit card limit is huge, you'll succeed."
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Sony CEO Kenichiro Yoshida explains the reasons behind their decision:
"This would've been absolutely disgusting if it were a Chinese takeover, but because Microsoft is American and their offer was insane, it didn't seem so bad to our board or investors. I mean, there's no way companies from the United States would ever leak user data to their government like the scummy Chinese Communist Party... would they? Would they???? FUCK!!!!"
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Era Error reached out to Nintendo of Japan for comment on their acquisition, but Nintendo refuses to respond until we set up a fax machine or send a letter via a mail pigeon.
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President Elect of the United States, Joe Biden, also decided to chime in with a statement on the enormous acquisition and what it means for positive relations between Japan and the United States:
"Huer!? Pearl Harbour!?!? Where's the nuke button Mayvis???"
Since Microsoft's acquisition of Sony and Nintendo, not a single video game product has been purchased for the Microsoft Switch or Microsoft PlayStation 5 in Japan. The Xbox Series X is also still at a total of zero consoles and games sold in the region.
