Originally posted June 23, 2020 before update on October 28, 2020.
Despite several delays, CD Projekt Red claims that development of the highly anticipated Cyberpunk 2077 is 'crunching together' ahead of its latest release date. Keanu Reeves is said to be heavily involved in the process, making massive sacrifices on behalf of the team.
The development of Cyberpunk 2077 has been a long and studious endeavour. First announced in 2012, the large budget title was eventually stated to release in April 2020, only to see a delay to September 17 and now even further to November 19, with the multiplayer component launching later in 2021.
UPDATE: Cyberpunk 2077 misses November 19 release date. Pushed back again to December 10. CD Projekt Red now placing the entire blame on Keanu Reeves contradicting statements made in June. More information at the end of original post.
Many are claiming Cyberpunk 2077 has become too ambitious for CD Projekt to handle, but the Polish company has refuted that theory, stating that they have a god-like weapon endearing the development team toward victory.
"Since our announcement of the breathtaking Keanu Reeves joining the Cyberpunk ranks at E3 2019, he has been incredibly hands on with the project." Said Marin Kiciński, CEO of CD Projekt.
"When Keanu heard the news that we've been struggling to meet deadlines on our quest for tech noir perfection, he dialed a collect call to our office landline in Poland, where he transferred through the copper pairs to offer his assistance."
"Keanu was absolutely appalled by the crunching and abuse our management inflicted towards our staff. You see in Poland we have different methods of achieving optimal staff productivity, and Mr Reeves wasn't receptive to those procedures."
"What happened next was inspirational. Keanu stripped down to a rag, chained himself up and insisted our staff take out their rage on him instead of each other. It didn't take long until everyone from management to the first year interns would periodically abuse the shit out of Keanu when their stress levels spiked because of our unfortunate crunch policies."
"Amazingly, the process worked! Productivity and morale has improved to the point we're now 100% confident that we'll make our November release date. He's a modern day Jesus Christ I tell you! In Keanu's name. Amen."
Era Error has a strict policy on not supporting businesses who partake in practices that encourage crunch or inhumanity towards its employees. We would also like to remind our viewers that every time we hypocritically buy a big budget AAA release from a behemoth developer that our second policy should be noted: 'Do as we say, not as we do.'
The development of Cyberpunk 2077 has been a long and studious endeavour. First announced in 2012, the large budget title was eventually stated to release in April 2020, only to see a delay to September 17 and now even further to November 19, with the multiplayer component launching later in 2021.
UPDATE: Cyberpunk 2077 misses November 19 release date. Pushed back again to December 10. CD Projekt Red now placing the entire blame on Keanu Reeves contradicting statements made in June. More information at the end of original post.
Many are claiming Cyberpunk 2077 has become too ambitious for CD Projekt to handle, but the Polish company has refuted that theory, stating that they have a god-like weapon endearing the development team toward victory.
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| Over 1 trillion man hours was spent on developing top tier nudity. |
"Since our announcement of the breathtaking Keanu Reeves joining the Cyberpunk ranks at E3 2019, he has been incredibly hands on with the project." Said Marin Kiciński, CEO of CD Projekt.
"When Keanu heard the news that we've been struggling to meet deadlines on our quest for tech noir perfection, he dialed a collect call to our office landline in Poland, where he transferred through the copper pairs to offer his assistance."
"Keanu was absolutely appalled by the crunching and abuse our management inflicted towards our staff. You see in Poland we have different methods of achieving optimal staff productivity, and Mr Reeves wasn't receptive to those procedures."
"So much so, that he offered his own physical being as a sacrifice to our staff, opting to endure all of their pain and suffering so we could get this damn game out the door."
"What happened next was inspirational. Keanu stripped down to a rag, chained himself up and insisted our staff take out their rage on him instead of each other. It didn't take long until everyone from management to the first year interns would periodically abuse the shit out of Keanu when their stress levels spiked because of our unfortunate crunch policies."
"Amazingly, the process worked! Productivity and morale has improved to the point we're now 100% confident that we'll make our November release date. He's a modern day Jesus Christ I tell you! In Keanu's name. Amen."
Era Error has a strict policy on not supporting businesses who partake in practices that encourage crunch or inhumanity towards its employees. We would also like to remind our viewers that every time we hypocritically buy a big budget AAA release from a behemoth developer that our second policy should be noted: 'Do as we say, not as we do.'
*UPDATE October 28, 2020*
New reports coming out of CD Projekt Red are placing the studio's recent troubles entirely on Keanu Reeves. Executives claim that Keanu is no longer pulling his weight and refusing to allow demoralized workers to abuse him as a means to release the stress of consistently working 16 hour days, resulting in another unprecedented delay.
"After the embarrassment of delaying an already certified gold game, our fans need to know that the problems our studio is facing are entirely the result of Keanu Reeves. Our slaves were on target to make the November 19 deadline, but then all of a sudden Keanu thought his job was done and wouldn't tolerate being whipped any more." - Stated Company CEO Adam Kicinski.
"Not only that, but he started spreading transphobic and racist comments which then leaked to the media, painting our perfect company in a bad light. Also, I was content to release Cyberpunk 2077 in the absolutely screwed up state it found itself in last year, but after rendezvousing with Keanu at E3 2019, he insisted that crunch was the only way to make a breathtaking game, and that he would help personally if CD Projekt ever found itself in any trouble."
"There's only one way to ensure that Cyberpunk is not delayed again — and there's absolutely no way Mr Reeves will be avoiding this mandated compulsory task."
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"The elation our stressed out employees will feel when they join in unison to peg rocks at Mr Reeves while he's nailed to the cross until he dies for our sins is going to be truly special. If that doesn't inspire the staff to finally get this fucking god damn piece of shit, glitch ridden mess out the bloody door, nothing will."
"Don't feel bad for Keanu, #blamekeanu. This was his fault to begin with anyway. Oh and before you ask, yes this is 100% legal in Poland."
