An obese man was triumphant against adversity today, narrowly avoiding eating a healthy fruit virtually during his video game session.
Derek Derpenstock was in the middle of an intense brawl while playing Streets Of Rage 4 on his Doritos branded Xbox One X, when he realised that he desperately needed a health pick-up to survive through to the next stage. After scrambling through and belting a bunch of trash cans, the game finally dangled Derek an almost literal carrot, spawning an apple which would grant him a small boost of health.
Derek wasn't having any of that though, deciding to ignore the healthy fruit despite its helpful properties as it conflicted with his lifestyle.
"I'd rather die than eat an apple and you can stick that on my tombstone. Absolutely fucking disgusting!" Flubbed Derek out of his fat mouth.
"It's like when playing on a Nintendo System and the game tells me to take a break because I've been playing for 24 hours straight. Like piss off would you. I don't care! Same goes with this psychological method of pushing healthy food at players. It's my body, I'll do whatever the fuck I want!"
The feel good story doesn't end there, as Derek managed to complete the game despite ignoring any fruit or salads and only indulging in hams, cheeseburgers, pizza, onion rings and fries.
"I stuck to my favourite western tropes, ignoring anything oriental like the onigiri. If the ramen was 'Maggi' 2 minute branded, I may have eaten it though. Funnily enough I almost ate a piece of filthy tofu thinking it was a sugar cube which nearly gave me a heart... uggghhh... UGGGHHH!!! I THINK I'M LITERALLY HAVING A HEART ATTACK, HELP!!!"
Soooo do we honour his statement about the tombstone if he actually dies?
