Reports on the surprising disappearance of Shovel Knight from all store fronts reveal that the protagonist's shovel is actually a giant cocaine spoon.
Shovel knight is an 8-bit styled 2D side-scroller developed by Yacht Club Games that famously found its funding through Kickstarter when crowd sourced financing for video games was a novel approach. The game has proven to be incredibly popular since its release in 2014, seeing steady sales on multiple platforms and finding a vast following with a broad demographic.
The large sect of younger players makes the situation even more disturbing, as further analysis of the Shovel Knight character shows that the knight's trusty shovel is not so innocuous at all — it's actually an enormous spoon for shoveling cocaine and other narcotics conveniently up one's suctiony nostrils.
An anonymous spokesperson of Yacht Club Games responded to our query for comment with a statement on behalf of the company.
"We admit it, the shovel was intended to be a utensil for players to shove large amounts of soft, powdery, succulent blow up Shovel Knight and his comrades for enhanced stimulation. The thing is, no one thought the game would actually reach its Kickstarter goal, so we added a bunch of dumb shit into the code because we have fond memories partying at our office and thought it would be hilarious."
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| The Yacht Club Games office has seen some shit. (pls don't tell Ninty) |
"Unfortunately all of the code which referenced illegal material was supposed to be removed and now the company finds itself in a situation similar to Rockstar with their "Hot Coffee" sex mission in GTA San Andreas. Shovel Knight has been removed from every store which hurts our bottom line, but at the end of the day we've already made a shit ton of money from the property so I guess no one at the company really gives a fuck deep down."
"As such I may as well spill the beans on the explicit content contained in Shovel Knight for those adults and children who feel the need to access it."
"First, go speak to Chester while pressing L and R plus the buttons on both sticks of the controller at the same time. This will open up a dialog box. Enter the phrase in capitals "LETS GET FUCKED UP ON A BENDER!!!". After which, Chester will offer an 8-ball worth of digitized Cocaine for consumption."
"Players can dig at the bag with the shovel and force shovel knight and other NPC's into snorting the substance. This will ignite "Turbo" mode just like the old days. After proving to Chester that Shovel Knight and his crew can handle the premium gear, the shopkeeper will tell the player to visit the Magicist for more illicit inventory available for purchase."
"At this point Shovel Knight becomes a choose your own adventure depending on the drug of choice consumed. Many locales can be visited, such as night clubs, illegal gambling dens, cock-fighting arena's, brothels — the cream of the crop of cut content. What can I say, the world is your oyster and it's all happening with your trusty cocaine spoon by your side."
It's truly a shame that Coke Spoon Knight and its expansions are no longer available for purchase as interest is no doubt likely to spike higher after this news. Luckily we have our own copy to experience the raunchiness on the company's piece of shit Wii U. It may have a bunch of blade scratches on the gamepad screen after a few long evenings working late at the office, but it should still be playable.
