Activision CEO Bobby Kotick has assured those skeptical of the latest Tony Hawk remaster that the series is now in safe hands after a long, tenuous run of abysmal entries due to incompetence.
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater is renowned for almost single handedly igniting the skateboard boom of the late 90's and 00's. The arcade skating video game series saw several releases over the years that grew in stature both critically and commercially, pushing the franchise to the forefront of not only gaming but mainstream pop culture.
Eventually developer Neversoft would see fierce competition in the genre from EA's more realistic Skate franchise, pushing publisher Activision into a different direction and ultimately deciding to replace Neversoft with the unproven Robomodo. The radical changes proved to be incredibly unsuccessful, resulting in the apparent end of the Tony Hawk series with 2015's absolutely fucking shit Pro Skater 5 the last nail in the coffin.
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| Buried where they belong. |
Fast forward to 2020 and a brand new remaster of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2 has been announced for modern platforms via solid gameplay footage and marketing which was met with fanfare online. Although not everyone has forgotten the embarrassing mismanagement of the series' past, Activision CEO Bobby Kotick is re-assuring cautious fans that things are different this time.
"Don't worry, we shut down those pathetic, incompetent fucks at Robomodo years ago." Laughed Bobby Kottick.
"There was a point where I felt like destroying the Tony Hawk series with corporate greed, just like I did with Guitar Hero. I began torturing those Robomodo dweebs with stupid ideas like a god awful skateboard peripheral that was literally an empty piece of plastic — I forced them to release 2 games for it! I also set the task of remastering the first Pro Skater with a broken engine and then finished them off with the impossible 6 month development of Pro Skater 5. Best yet, even though all of those disasters was entirely my fault, gamers aimed their disgusting vitriol at Robomodo. People actually thanked me for shutting the studio!"
"Years later I realised that I needed to pull another franchise out of my ass to exploit other than Blizzard games and Call Of Duty. Gamers seemed to digest the Crash Bandicoot remasters well, so I put 2 and 2 together and pushed Vicarious Visions to develop another Pro Skater remaster. I'm so fucking smart."
"If you're concerned about the quality of the latest Tony Hawk game, please understand that I've actually put a decent developer in charge and given them ample time to complete it this time. Not one employee from Robomodo or anyone who even knew a person that worked there has made contact with the game. I have personally ensured they were all exterminated (along with any of their code) in a giant inferno of fire. No shit cunts this time, I promise."
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| This photo was attached to the end of Kotick's Press Release. |
We're relieved to hear that Robomodo wont be touching the promising Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2 remaster, but we're a little confused by Kotick's use of the word 'exterminate'. He didn't really kill those ex-employees, did he?
More importantly, why the hell isn't Pro Skater 3 and 4 getting any love?
