A startling new report states with absolute certainty that any person who purchases even just a single video game micro-transaction will eventually succumb to a gambling addiction.
The report made by Third Party Collections Inc. (a data analysis company), used an algorithm that breached past the firewall of every popular online gaming platform, stealing information of their users and compiling the data into the harrowing revelation.
"It's completely irrelevant that our algorithm hacked and stole personal data from every user on XBL, PSN, Steam, and whatever god-awful online system Nintendo has ever used, as the information gathered makes an example of the weakest video gamers who ruin life for everyone." Said CEO Allen Arsen.
"Our data doesn't lie. We looked at the future status of every credit card tied to a micro-transaction, and the results were harrowing. Every card had defaulted. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE."
"What does this mean? Video game companies have found a newer method to exploit people with gambling tendencies. Worst yet, these people are usually of a young age, and haven't yet identified this as a personal problem — Making them the most vulnerable."
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| Just one micro-transaction is enough to ruin someone's life forever. |
"In fact, this is nothing new from those video game vultures. Arcade machines formed back in the 80's used the same techniques as poker machines except at the expense of children. If you were receptive to throwing in a quarter back in the day, then there's a 100% you now waste your life in front of the pokies, ploughing darts and pints. Fuck is that you? Shit!"
"Lesson to be learnt? Don't be a dumb-ass and refuse to buy pointless gaming content that is designed to nickle and dime you, otherwise you'll find yourself eating trampled gum off the ground and throwing 500-leg 20 cent multi's on one of the 60 sports betting apps installed on your phone, with the fading hope to regain that property and/or wife you just lost."
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| The signs were there from the start. |
I knew buying that god-damn cosmetic horse armour for US2.50 on Elder Scrolls IV in 2006 would come back to bite me. Anyone want to buy Era Error for $500,000 to help a brother out? I wouldn't mind chewing some game that doesn't taste like asphalt.
