A very important study from the ESRB has determined that 99% of people viewing a mature video game webpage are born on the 1st of January, 1900.
The phenomenon was discovered by Head Wizard of the ESRB, 60 year old Larry Bongo, who devoted 75% of the organisation's annual resources towards the study.
"Initially I was sitting at my desk on a power trip and wondering how I could fuck over a small developer with their rating application when I noticed there was a ton of personal data I could breach on the ESRB server."
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| ESRB Wizard, Larry Bongo |
"I was hoping to illegally divulge on the activities of underage children like most older, single men with a filthy beard on a computer would when I noticed an astonishing pattern in the birth date entry system on mature video game websites — 99% of users birthdays were on the 1st January!"
"The findings were so arousing that I decided to allocate most of the ESRB's resources from less serious matters like games released on Steam that pertained to Child Porn to investigate this anomaly further in previous years."
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| Bongo casting a spell to re-task his employees. |
"As our research continued we found the trend remained. Since the ESRB's mandatory regulations to include age gates on mature video game content online in the late 90's, the same percentage of users were born on the 1st of January. Couples really need to start humping on different days of the year to spread some birthdays around! *laughs*"
"Another interesting finding is just how many old fucks play video games. An absurd number of people were born in 1900 which would make them 119 years old. In fact, gamers that are aged past a century well outnumber players in their twenties!"
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| Absolutely no way those stats could be manipulated. |
"This would also be a good time to point out how well behaved the precious children of society are, as throughout history there has not been one denial of service to an under-age patron on any mature website. I'll be sure to congregate with my local catholic priest to organise a very personal thank you to the children for their fantastic behaviour."
Era Error would like to congratulate the apparently plentiful borderline corpses still playing video games and all of the disciplined minors out there who are too pure to lie on an easily manipulated online age check. You're all definitely not some lazy teenager or stoned thirty-something who just clicked any year that was old enough to grant access.
We also look forward to the inevitable arresting of the ESRB's Larry Bongo for some form of lewd behaviour involving youth in the future.
