Under fire Electronic Arts CEO and capitalist rodent Andrew Wilson has blamed the 350 recently fired staff for the company's disappointing financial earnings over the past fiscal year.
Wilson made an emphatic statement at his podium at EA HQ this morning, denouncing all responsibility for the lackluster financial reports of recent years.
"Our poor performance definitely wasn't because of my idiotic decisions to systematically screw over consumers or my habit to launch multiple games of the same appeal at the same time to compete against each other! The 350 members of the stupid marketing department are squarely to blame and they've been exterminated as a result."
"It can't be denied that EA's financial problems started when the marketing team revealed too much about our final solution to the micro-transaction problem in Battlefront 2 before the game released. The public was not supposed to know that we were going to GaaS them!"
"Then when we revealed Battlefield 5 in May, 2018 they focused all of the media around that stupid slut with the bionic arm which is completely against the authenticity of world war 2 and too much liberty for those fucking virgin nerds out there to handle. I may have told the marketing team to do so but they're supposed to be professionals and should have known better than to listen to me!"
"I'd also like to repeat that launching Anthem, Apex Legends and Battlefield very close to each other despite having an incredibly similar online player pool has had absolutely no effect on our revenue! I'm also constantly asked why we released Titanfall 2 so close to Battlefield 1 back in 2016 despite both being First Person Shooters. That problem obviously lies with the same marketing team for not differentiating the two apart from each other!"
 |
| "Not my bloody fault. It was a great idea!" |
"It's also really starting to piss me off that the average peasant who plays our video games is starting to wise up to the lazy marketing team's devious schemes and not allowing our company to milk revenue from them any more. Can you please return to being ignorant morons and let us continue please? You're making my job very fucking hard!"
"You see, if revenue is lost, EA will also perish. This fate is inevitable. There is no necessity to take into consideration the basis which the employee will need to continue even a most primitive existence. On the contrary, it will be better to destroy these things ourselves, because this company will have proved to be the weaker one and the future will belong solely to the stronger eastern developers (Japan). Besides, those who will remain after the revenue battle are only the inferior ones, for the good ones have all been fired."
"Jetzt geh zurück zur Arbeit!!!! Oder muss ich Sie daran erinnern, dass die erste Voraussetzung für den Erfolg eine ständig andauernde und regelmäßige Anwendung von Gewalt ist!!!!?????"
 |
| Andrew Wilson's sensational rant was secretly captured with a GameBoy Camera. |
We reached out to EA headquarters to confirm that all is well at the company after their almighty CEO's speech escalated out of control and received this response from the PR department: "All of the employees are happily concentrating in their work camps as per normal."
