Damning allegations suggesting outgoing Nintendo America COO Reggie Fils-Aime engaged in sexual misconduct with a dopey, blonde princess have surfaced.
The popular Reggie Fils-Aime shocked Nintendo fans world-wide yesterday with a sudden announcement that he will be retiring on the 15th April, 2019 after 15 successful years on the job. The move was largely seen as a surprise internally within the company, as many employees felt that Fils-Aime still had plenty to offer in the role.
Others however, have suggested that the move is not as innocuous as it sounds, citing an impending turmoil waiting to be uncovered.
"Anyone that worked close to Reggie's office at some point knows that he favours a certain flirty, blonde bitch of a princess who wears a stupid, outdated pink gown to work every day!" - Said an office Princess who wishes to remain anonymous.
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| The anonymous office Princess detailing her story. |
"She'd come in every day playing the classic, ditzy damsel in distress and he'd just eat that shit up. We know behind closed doors he liked to commit piracy by touching her Dreamcast Disc Slot with unprotected media. We've all heard him shouting "My body is ready bitch!' while revving Peach's disc drive to Utopia."
The Princess named after a flower cites the recent #MeToo movement as a spurring point to finally bring the allegations to the forefront of the gaming world.
"I felt so empowered by the other women in the world standing up to the man that I just had to finally say something. I'm also sick of that fucking slut princess always winning leading roles in Nintendo games because she's playing with one of the President's Toadstools. Why do you think Peach was initially known as Princess Toadstool? Because she choked on executive choad all the way to the top just like Madonna did!"
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| Reggie has no problem doing what Nintendon't. |
"I'm done with those shitty side casts in Mario Tennis or Mario Party. I want to be the star of a big A-list role! If only people knew what I had to do just to get an individual spot in Smash Ultimate - and believe me, not even Bill Trinen can translate what I did inside his office."
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| Bill shakily refused to reveal what happened inside his office. |
"Why doesn't Reggie want to touch my sparkling Saturn? He had no problem pushing buttons on that moldy, old whore Pauline's dusty Nomad when she wanted to make a comeback!"
We reached under fire Reggie Fils-Aime for comment and received a reply from his assistant (presumably Peach) which stated "Nintendo does not comment on rumours and speculation from redundant Princess Sluts."
