The studio behind Electronic Art's highly anticipated 'Online RPG Loot Shooter' Anthem has been usurped by a family of money hungry rodents.
BioWare is a beloved video game developer behind some of the industry's most acclaimed franchises such as Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Baldur's Gate. Despite their success, suspicions that the company may have been overrun by a family of dirty rotten rats had circulated since the announcement of their latest venture - Anthem.
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| Anthem. |
Andrew Wilson, CEO of BioWare's parent company EA, spoke to a group of investors this morning and inadvertently revealed the news, which he also confirmed to Era Error just moments ago at our downtown headquarters.
"During our investors meeting this morning, shareholders voiced concerns that Electronic Arts is no longer capable of gouging money from its peasant userbase, due to our previous efforts with Star Wars and Battlefield which failed to reach expectations. To alleviate fears about the upcoming Anthem's capability to rape currency from players like a poker machine does to a junkie on welfare, I revealed that the development team at BioWare was relieved of their duties in favour of a mischief of money hungry rats."
"This genetically superior breed of rats loves gnawing on children's parents credit cards for revenue even more than I do, and they've designed intricate and sophisticated loot mechanics to trap people into the Anthem eco-system to stealthily munch away money until all of it is gone and we move on to the next idiot. Kind of like a piece of cheese on a mouse trap. Mmm I wish I could be gnawing on some cheese! Is that some over there???"
Era Error: Mr Wilson, no!
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| Era Error's office is infested with non-capitalistic rodents. |
"Oh fuck, my cover! I'm sure you're shocked, but I'm also a rat."
Era Error: Ahh... well we kind of just presumed all Publisher Executives were. Shall we continue?
"Yes. I also relieved concerns that BioWare were not capable of developing something of such a scale as Anthem. If you couldn't tell already, we literally just copied Bungie's Destiny and added some Warframe flavour to our generic, lifeless corpse of a game. The gameplay doesn't really matter anyway. As long as the Micro-Transaction systems work at launch, I don't really give a fuck if the game is a buggy mess. The only reason it was delayed is because my brothers couldn't stop gnawing away at the fibre optic cable and destroyed infrastructure, not quality control."
Era Error: What if Anthem fails to meet revenue expectations like Electronic Arts' most recent efforts?
"I'll just call in the exterminators like I usually do."
