Wolfenstein: The New Colossus has won a Metacritic Game-Play Award for deliberately crippling its players for literally 50% of the game.
The outcome of the award was the result of several votes attained by various publications assigned to Metacritic, including Gamespot, IGN and Polygon. Machine Games and Bethesda say they're incredibly grateful recipients:
"We're glad outlets who rushed through Wolf 2 on super easy to get a review out on time all agreed that our decision to frustratingly debilitate players with half the accustomed health and abilities for a large chunk of the game was a great idea. The culmination of our normally ruthlessly strong main character crying like a giant pussy during that same time was such a wonderful feature and we're stoked everyone who wrote the reviews contributing to our Metacritic agreed."
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| 'We're going to make Blazkowicz a sooky crybaby to emphasise his pain for an entire fucking game!' - Machine Games. |
"The Metacritic Game-Play Award is all the inspiration we need to make Wolfenstein 3 even more counter-intuitive to our first game, as we intend to destroy the very foundations of the I.P by continuing to make an increasingly inferior product. Thankfully no one seemed to notice our lack of effort in gameplay, level design or the colossal fuck-ups in the embarrassing story that we wrote as a joke which were somehow green-lit by Bethesda."
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| "It's all about who you know and how much you pay." - Metacritic Executive Marc Doyle |
"All that's needed to receive a 9/10 these days is marketing which whores out the only decent 10 seconds of the game and we hope it stays that way. It's like going back to the 80's when a doctored screenshot on the back of a game box was enough for sales!" ― Machine Games Lars Johansson.
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| Remember this prominent footage in the marketing? Yep, it's in the game for about 10 seconds. |
Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus was received incredibly well by critics. However, critical response from players who actually digested the game was the contrary, noting many game-play, design and story flaws - particularly compared to the first game - that were not documented by reviewers.
"Dude, do you know how many games I have to play and review in a year?" ― Said IGN's Dan Stapleton.
"Yeah I played Wolfenstein 2 on super easy, but I was also playing Mario Odyssey at the exact same time. I already played the The New Order so I didn't feel the need to pay attention. Gamers loved the first one, so I just tacked on a slightly higher score and called it a day. All the other websites did the same!"
"It's not like anyone actually reads the shit we put out anyway, people just scroll to the score. Why do you think it took so long for Filip Muicin to get caught for plagiarism?"
"If you're dumb enough to gauge your purchases on reviewers who just churn them out to get a pay cheque, you're an idiot. Same thing with awards. For the Game-Play Award in question, I was sent an e-mail with a multiple choice vote and I just randomly selected an answer."
Era Error's opinions have never been solicited for the award (and for good reason I'm sure).
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| The pinnacle in the series. |
Although if we did have a say...
We'd vote for that awesomely fun Courthouse level which was an absolute bliss of stray bullets. Or maybe the laughable stealth sections, or the pointless augmentation upgrades, or Eva's Hammer HUB world, uninspired weapons, frustrating damage feedback, precise positioning to pick up items, forced shock-value (what's that?), or the part where we thought we'd be playing in a non-destroyed Nazi occupied America but ended up in another post apocalyptic bore, or the story that was filled with such shit characters that we just wished would fucking die (BJ included), or the...
