In a desperate attempt to compete with Insomniac's Spiderman on PS4, Microsoft has released the unfinished Crackdown 3 and tacked on a gimmicky grappling hook swing mechanic at the last second.
We spoke to Head of Microsoft's Xbox Division, Phil Spencer for clarification on Crackdown 3's surprise release.
"Our biggest competitor Sony recently released Insomniac's Spiderman exclusively on their hardware, and as usual we didn't have any software that could match it in any shape or form. That's why we made the executive decision to just add a grappling hook to the piece of shit Crackdown and sent that mess to retail."
"No one expected the game to be of any quality anyway so it was the perfect title to throw into oblivion to distract our platform holders from the obviously better options available to them on other systems."
"The core cloud computing engine is still integrated, except now, instead of super computers rendering and generating the environments, the game will now feature a crackhead ripping clouds from his pipe at a remote computer, typing in a bunch of random shit at you that will pop up as NPC speech clouds during a play session. We've re-named this feature as 'Crackdown' and it's our pointless answer to Nintendo's now defunct Miiverse."
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| The power of the 'Crackdown Cloud' |
"Crackdown 3 was a disaster since its inception. We announced a bunch of impossible promises early in development and to be honest, we never had any real intentions to ever release the game. As it was supposed to be our only First Party Exclusive for this generation, we just kept dangling the Crackdown carrot at every E3 to trick our strangely loyal fans who still believed we had more exclusives coming to Xbox."
"The game was fucking shit, and it still is with the grappling mechanic as it doesn't even work properly. Crackdown will also be the first game on Xbox One to not have any kind of day one update or patch at launch and we have absolutely no intentions of making any amendments after release."
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| Real footage of Crackdown 3 before development restarted in 2016. |
"We're just that confident Crackdown 3 will still sell. It's kind of like the starving kids in Africa. They'll eat whatever they're given as they're hungry. And guess what? Xbox fans are hungry for games."
Era Error: Why didn't you just buy the exclusive rights to Just Cause 4, increase the already existing grappling mechanics and maybe add a couple of super hero costumes and call it a day?
"Oh, wow that's a good idea. Be...Cause?"
