Just days after details of Nintendo's N64 Mini leaked to the masses, the company has sensationally responded to criticism regarding the line-up of games on the system - despite never announcing its existence.
This morning, Nintendo of Japan streamed a trademark 'Direct' to address gamer concerns regarding the selection of games for the Nintendo 64 Classic Mini (which leaked on Era Error.com just days ago). Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa gave an impassioned statement:
"We here at Nintendo acknowledge the public's concerns with respect to the recently leaked information pertaining to our currently unannounced product, the Nintendo 64 Classic (mini). I'd like to take this moment to address those details and re-assure everyone that you're all a bunch of stupid fucks who don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"Nintendo has created games since the 1960's and we have an infinitely superior pedigree than any of you peasants which is exactly why we will not listen to your feedback. Imagine if an unskilled moron came to your job and told you what to do. It'd be a little aggravating, wouldn't it?"
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| The Ultra Hand was created in the 1960's so Japanese kids could piss off their fathers like Western children did. |
"As such, We're going to take you pricks to school and illustrate why we picked the games we have over some of those pathetic, shitty titles that people are crying about not making the cut."
"You see, a catalogue is all about balance. We can't include every game in the N64's library as that would convolute the history of the console. We're telling the tale of the transition to 3D, and that story, to be frank, was incredibly painful and embarrassing. Our first party effort on this console was honestly sub-par, and third parties were superior to Nintendo in every facet, which is why those games are at the forefront of the package."
"The only first party game we've included is 'Hey you, Pikachu!' without the microphone. That way it won't even work and will spare people the torture of playing such garbage."
"I've seen many demands asking "Where's Super Mario 64? Where's F-Zero X? Where's Mario Party? Where's Goldeneye?". The answer is obvious. Those games are fucking terrible and massively over-rated. I revisited every N64 game personally and I have no idea how anyone can think our first party games were any good. They're borderline unplayable and laughably amateur compared to developers like Titus and H2O Interactive!"
"For instance, Tonic Trouble by Ubisoft destroys Super Mario 64 with its superior controls and is the pinnacle of 3D platforming to this day. Aero Gauge is a master class in futuristic racing that puts our F-Zero series to shame and we all know Jeopardy! 64 is the definitive party title of a generation."
"It doesn't stop there. Razor Freestyle Scooter was a cultural phenomenon with its wonderful combo mechanics but was blatantly ripped off by the Tony Hawk Pro Skater series hence why those games aren't there. Daikatana is a full PC port of the ultimate FPS which removes any need for the unbearable Goldeneye & Perfect Dark to be included. Carmaggedon 64 is far more family accessible than Mario Kart 64 and we all know Bass Hunter 64 is an infinitely better adventure title than the Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time! Are you starting to see the picture yet?"
"I could belittle all of you deluded, salty fanboys out there all day long, but instead of antagonising, Nintendo wants to make a compromise. We've decided to add another game to the package in an attempt to appease the whingers."
"Our Twitter account was inundated with game requests for the N64 Classic mini, and one genre in the winter extreme sports category is not yet properly represented in the catalogue - Snowboarding. After much deliberation, we spun out a 1080 and decided to include one of the greatest Snowboarding games ever created. Get ready to "Work your body" to...."
"That's right, motherfucking Big Mountain 2000 will now be included with every N64 Classic Mini. You can all shut your pie-holes and thank me later."
