The highly anticipated but still unconfirmed miniature edition of the Nintendo 64 has taken an extra step towards legitimacy today, thanks to leaked promotional material for the console.
Era Error is the first publication to obtain transcripts of a draft press release and promo media, thanks to an informant whose Uncle works directly for Nintendo and revealed the information via an e-mail we found in our spam folder.
REDMOND, Wash -- Introducing the Nintendo 64 Classic Mini!
"While deciding what games to choose for the N64 Classic Mini, we immediately understood the importance of including the immense catalogue of classic titles that helped define the system. There's no doubting our own first party efforts were integral to the consoles success, but so was the talented pool of third party developers. We want this console to celebrate the history of the N64 and the only way to do this was to integrate the most varied list of games imaginable from the platform."
"This was no easy task. There was an incredibly diverse range of companies that we needed to sternly negotiate with to pull some of these games out of legal hell. We think players will be surprised by some of the 'Rare' games shipping with the console. You all better be fucking pleased with this list!"
Castlevania 64
Hey you, Pikachu (no microphone)
Mortal Kombat: Sub Zero
Armorines: Project S.W.A.R.M
Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker
Airboarder 64
Dark Rift
Elmo's Number Journey
Deadly Arts
Starshot: Space Circus Fever
Aidyn Chronicles: The First Mage
Power Rangers Light Speed rescue
Cruis'n Exotica
Bass Hunter 64
Rugrats: Scavenger Hunt
Aero Gauge
War Gods
Daikatana
Golden Nugget 64
South Park: Chef's Luv Shack
Blues Brothers 2000
Tonic Trouble
Bio Freaks
A Bugs Life
Charlie Blasts Territory
Clayfighter 63 1/3
Dual Heroes
Hercules: The Legendary Journey
Jeopardy!
Knife Edge
Milo's Astro Lanes
Razor Freestyle Scooter
Wheel Of Fortune
Rampage World Tour
Nagano Winter Olympics 98
Superman 64
Carmageddon 64
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| An absolute 'Classic' line-up of games. |
"The Nintendo 64 was a cutting edge and innovative device in its prime, and we're reflecting that heritage with some notable hardware inclusions. The official first party controller wasn't just notable for exemplifying dumb fucks who couldn't understand that all three handles weren't supposed to be held at the same time, but also for its incredibly flimsy joystick. We've decided to pre-wear them out to barely function to add that extra layer of Nintendo authenticity. We haven't stopped there, we're also including one of the cheapest third party controllers that was available so the 2nd player can reminisce about the good old days of playing with game hindering peripherals."
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| Shit manufacturers such as MadCatz have returned from the grave to milk the N64 Mini with garbage peripherals. |
"Texture filtering at the time was a key component of the console to smooth out the low resolution 3D graphics. Unfortunately when upscaled to 720p via HDMI on modern Televisions, the effect is not overly pleasant. Therefore we've decided to only include an RF port for connection to HDTV's to circumvent the issue. The results are breathtaking!"
"There were several aesthetic versions of the N64 during its lifespan, ranging from transparent colours to themed product releases. To emphasise the fun of the console, we decided to forgo the original black colour and incorporate the stupid, mutant Pikachu form factor instead. The N64 was founded on the back of suicidal hardware decisions and this one will be no different!"
The Nintendo 64 Classic Mini is set to release on Christmas Day while almost every Electronic store in Western Civilisation is closed. There will be a limited quantity of 64 available in each region for the first shipment and we are absolutely confident that demand will be met. This is not a ploy designed to create artificial scarcity and hype.
Get N' Or Get Out!
Reggie Fils-Aime
President - Nintendo Of America
If you were expecting this content to contain more substance than just blatant inclusions of obviously shit Nintendo 64 games on the package, you should know Era Error better by now.
UPDATE: Nintendo 'Directly' responds to N64 Classic criticism.
