Recently surfaced documents from Nintendo's Kyoto headquarters have revealed a stunning proclamation regarding the company's decision to use cartridges during the N64 era which contradicts previous claims.
Before the generation began, Nintendo stated that they choose ROM based Cartridges as the storage medium of the N64 because of several apparent advantages over optical media, which included superior read speed, durability and complexity of piracy. However, a transcript pertaining to then Nintendo President (Hiroshi Yamauchi) derived from 1995 details in explicit clarity the real reason to the decision - and it might surprise you.
According to the internal transcript which was leaked on the ever reliable 4chan, the legendary, late and great badboy of the video games corporate sector had a different agenda while making the crucial decision.
"I refuse to allow Cunt Dicks (CD's) on the Nintendo 64! I like it when people have to suck on our cartridges with their filthy Mick Jagger lips and dirty rotten teeth! Technology is irrelevant in this decision. My fetish for people spitting their left over pieces of corn or their lovers sperm residue to clean the cartridge contacts will forever reign supreme. Cartridge blowjobs have been a part of Nintendo's culture since the Famicom in 1983, when I first ordered my secretary to blow on my cartridge like a harmonica!"
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| "Everyone loves blowjobs" - Yamauchi. He's right you know. |
Hiroshi Yamauchi was a polarising character of the video game world, often using unusual practices and methods to make business decisions towards the industry which would frequently eventuate to a positive outcome. The Nintendo 64's media decision would prove to be no different, although the end result is fiercely debated.
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| Footage from an unused 1996 Nintendo promotion featuring Mick Jagger using his disgusting teeth to blow into a cartridge. |
It is unknown who or what convinced Yamauchi to use an optical drive for the Nintendo 64's successor, the Gamecube, but it was most likely with sexual innuendo relating to the disc sliding around in a slot rather than faster read times.
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| Yamauchi is famously documented as the only person in history to use the left handle of the N64 controller. |
RIP Hiroshi Yamauchi. We wish more video game company CEO's had the same ruthless persona and natural instinct for the industry like you did. You will forever be in our polluted hearts, along with your love hotels and love testers
