A veteran video game player has revealed the tormented ordeal he endured during the horrific 4th generation of video game consoles also known as the 16-bit wars. He took the time to detail his 'immense fight' to survive the era to none other than the most fucked up era of all, Era Error.
Phil Polygon was just a regular 10 year old boy when the 16-Bit Wars came to a head in 1990. Sega had officially declared war on Nintendo in their controlled territory of North America with 'radical' marketing attacks which blindsided the company and plummeted their market share. This left the unsuspecting consumer caught in the middle of a cultural media storm, forcing them into picking a side and pitted neighbour against neighbour.
The weak minded pussy had this to say about his non-existent struggle:
"When Sega's war against Nintendo intensified in 1991, everyone was forced to pick a side. Unfortunately my parents were stupid cunts and instead of picking a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis (Mega-Drive), bought me a Philips CD-i because the company somewhat shared my first name. When quizzed on the schoolyard which filthy, corporate monstrosity I backed in the video game space, I was relentlessly bullied for being a gimp who owned one of the shittest consoles ever to exist. Apparently crap like Surf City & Whore Fucker (Plumbers Don't Wear Ties) weren't cool enough games for people.
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| Plumber's Don't Wear Ties Remastered. Originally a CD-i game. |
This alienated me and left no where to turn. I had to pick a side from the big two. I went home and blackmailed my Dad, telling him that I saw him jerk off into a glass and drink his own semen once and that I'd tell everyone if he didn't give in to my demands. It was just a bluff and I never saw it happen, but strangely enough, off to the local video game rip-off merchant we went.
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| I always wondered why there was a strange glass in the fridge. |
Inside the store was brutal. Directly in the centre was a vicious garbage disposal setup dedicated to destroying new, piece of shit Philips CD-i consoles free of charge. To the right was an intense red filled area with Nintendo propaganda and the same with Blue for Sega to the left. It was the toughest decision of my life. 'Which side do I pick?' I pondered. It was a life or death decision for my social life.
Thankfully the store clerk made it for me. He told me that I looked like a fucking loser who would like soft-cock, toddler games like Mario and Kirby so the SNES would be a perfect fit for me. My Dad tried to refuse because of the price point, but I reminded him of the time I accidentally saw him ram a cucumber up his asshole before dinner and then serve it unwashed afterwards for us all to eat. Again, I never saw that actually happen, but he immediately pulled out his wallet and mercilessly bought me what I wanted.
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| Game stores went for a poorly Photoshopped aesthetic back in the 90's. |
The next day I proudly declared my allegiance to the Super Nintendo army. The response wasn't as warm as I had expected. People were still calling me a used tampon sucker and bullied me because Sega was way cooler thanks to its marketing. I knew the SNES had better hardware and arguably a more polished game collection, but I later found out that my school had a 60/40 split in favour of Sega. I picked the wrong fucking side in my territory, so I went into hiding like a WW2 Jew to avoid further damage to my reputation.
Nintendo fans had to cloak into society during that time. Sega was running absolutely fucking rampant and decided to drop their next mega marketing bomb - Blast Processing - which destroyed the fabric of the video game market. They weren't just the dominant manufacturer in my local neighbourhood anymore, but all of North America! We thought life would never be the same and it physically damaged me in the feels.
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| Sega America kept the Nuclear Bomb references on the down-low in front of Sega Japan. |
Many were weak minded and converted like Nintendogs to the inferior colour palette and sound of Sega, largely thanks to Sonic The Hedgehog. I had hopes that Nintendo could turn things around and flex their muscle with a perfect storm of era defining video games, but it got a lot worse before it got better.
In 1993 Mortal Kombat released on home consoles. There was a massive media controversy due to the intense, graphical violence and the fear of children becoming corrupted. Sega used this to their advantage, pushing with their edgy marketing and promoting all of the adult themes. Nintendo however, decided to cater to the idiotic, spastic 'Mom' market instead and removed most of the gore. It was one of the stupidest ploys during the war that Nintendo pulled. We were ready to surrender to Sega at this point. I found myself constantly crying like a Vegan who saw someone drinking a glass of milk - hopefully not my Dad's.
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| Dumb bitches like this weren't helping the Nintendo cause. |
Long story short, Nintendo fought back and released an atomic bomb of incredible video games and won back consumer confidence. Sega began to self destruct with their sense of comfort, releasing a bunch of garbage add-ons hoping to fatalise Nintendo but each spectacularly failed to explode. By the time Mortal Kombat 2 released, a regulatory system was in place and Nintendo allowed 100% of the violence to be included. For the first time in the 16-Bit Wars, Nintendo outsold Sega 2 to 1. Their hardware sales trumped Sega's and I could come out of the closet and announce to the world that I was a Nintendo fan without fear of persecution. We were liberated!
From there onward I bashed the fucking shit out of any loser associating themselves with Sega. Those cunts were fucking done! Nintendo was the king again and we let the world know it. Sega's market share constantly declined and the order of the planet was restored. My Dad was arrested as word somehow slipped about his cucumber incident involving my family but I didn't even care, I was playing Danky Kunt Kuntry 2. I lived a happy life from that point. Well up until 1995, when Sony waged war on Nintendo with their CD weaponry, but that's a story for another day.
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| Phil Polygon wasn't remotely embarrassed about receiving gaming 'bravery' medals either. |
I still get PTSD thinking about the 16-Bit wars despite my survival. Console Wars are a serious and touchy subject for precious, first world gamers who haven't had to face one bit of real conflict in our pathetic, sheltered lives. Many jobs in the industry were lost and vast amounts of money also wasted on the wrong products. I take a moment of silence every day to reflect on those casualties like my friend Bimmy who commited social suicide by buying a Virtual Boy in 1995.
EE: Alright dude. Would you please fucking stop? We can't tolerate any more of this garbage!
No way man. Gaming wars are truly a catastrophic atrocity to society! I'm a veteran and you should damn well respect me. I'm a hero! I'm a...
EE: Help us Sea-ga! (I'm Australian)
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| The ESRB is for pussies! |
We look forward to bringing every story of any loser out there to the forefront who think surviving a 'video game war' even remotely compares to the atrocities that civilians and soldiers experience while inhibiting real life war zones, purely to exemplify their hideous stupidity for comedic effect. They are the only people related to this industry that are dumber than we are.
