An inner city hipster who lives inside a meth dealer's closet has purchased 1 million 3-1/2 inch floppy disks from an auction over the weekend. In what could be considered an unusual purchase by many, the hipster has justified his actions by stating that his personal analytics prove the worthless media's value is about to soar in a similar vein to retro Game Cartridges and Vinyl Records of the recent past.
We invited douchebag hipster Ingle Woods to our office for more information on this fascinating development.
IW: I don't understand why everyone is so fascinated about my purchase of 1 million floppy disks. It's pretty obvious that their value is about to fucking explode just like those useless Vinyl Frisbees and old, piece of shit video games. Don't believe me? Observe my damn analytics and tell me otherwise!
Look at that data! Eventually people have cravings for old, redundant shit once it becomes scarce for some reason. It's a human design flaw. It doesn't matter how useless an item can appear in modern times, as long as it is authentic to its past time period. I've looked at the price of Records & Cartridges online and their prices are absolutely absurd! I bought every 3-1/2 inch Floppy for $1 each. I expect by this time next year, they'll be worth at least $20 each and all of the Scrags of the world will be searching for me to get a taste of some virgin seed from my floppy dick. Mark my words!
EE: Yeah that's great and all, but I think your plan hasn't taken into consideration a critical fact. Floppy Disks aren't scarce or in demand! Their appeal is also quite literally zero, as they don't offer any benefit from modern methods unlike the classic sound of Vinyl or the authentic experience of Game Cartridges. If I have to say so myself and on behalf of all the Errorian's out there, you sir are a stupid cunt!
IW: Drink my piss you fucking pansy! This is a fool proof investment and everyone will be lining up to buy from my diverse portfolio of media. Look at these disks: Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego! Microsoft Office 1989 edition Disk 2 of 4! The Complete Encyclopedia of Britannica 1990 on 189 disks! Hermaphrodite Self-Fucker 2 (Ascii version)! This is some mint shit.
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| Just be thankful the technology was primitive. |
EE: You didn't even purchase the cool floppy disks either. At least 8 inch Floppy's actually flop and are entertaining to look at. No one is ever going to give a shit about your little pin disks!
IW: There's nothing wrong with the size of my disks! Most people prefer them instead of tearing their drives open with the big ones! I'm just a really intuitive person and you can't handle that I'm ahead of the curve. For example, I find used needles on the ground outside the cupboard I live in as the owner of the apartment is a meth dealer. I boil them in a pot to clean out the aids and then inject them straight into my eye-balls for free! I'm a prodigal son in the used drugs market and I'm about to be the fucking king of the Floppy Disks!
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| Ingle Woods 'meditating', or tripping out with his Floppy's in a closet. |
EE: Well I'll happily be proven wrong as Era Error has an abundance of useless old Floppy Disks in our storage room. It would be our ticket out of writing these shit articles in exchange for expired cans of SPAM just to get by. Unfortunately I'm not wrong. Did you know there's a hashtag on social media that developed on the back of your stupid purchase last week which celebrates how useless and worthless Floppy Disks are in 2018?
IW: You're just trolling...
EE: Nope! Look up #floppydisklol on social media. People are destroying them just to piss you off and prove a point!
IW: Why... Why would someone do that to those precious Floppy's?? They could be worth millions one day! You're all fucking scum! GAJKSFHASHLAEJKRKAJEBG
*We're not exactly sure how it happened (we presume it was because of the re-used meth), but Ingle Woods transformed into a giant floppy disk inside our office*
IW: Destroy my kind and I will destroy you!!!!
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| Our pathetic new intern trying to reason with him. |
EE: What the fuck! Quick, someone throw a magnet at that useless, redundant object!
IW: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
EE: What a loser haha!
Ingle Woods might be dead, but he also leaves behind a legacy of absolutely nothing worthwhile. No one went to his funeral or even recognised his death with a RIP on his Facebook wall, let alone a genuine tear. At least we can all find solace knowing that Ingle went out the same way as his favourite computer storage medium - immediately without any condolences.
To take away even that small bit of symbolism away from Ingle Woods, we encourage all of you to continue to utilise the #floppydisklol hashtag on social media with a photo of you holding or destroying a floppy disk as a sign of disrespect. It's exactly what the hipster wouldn't have wanted.
