Duke Nukem 3D Toilet: Asset Analysis

Today's Ass Anal reflects back on an asset that captivated me instantly at an early age. That very moment became a cherished part of my childhood and in turn, influenced many traits of the man I am today. The wonderful asset in the spotlight today is the Toilet from Duke Nukem 3D.

I still remember the moment leading up to my first encounter with the toilet. I was 6 years old and sitting at a piece of shit MS-DOS PC tucked away in the corner of my parents house with paper all over the desk. My poor, innocent Mother had stupidly bought me Duke Nukem 3D as she remembered the previous two timid 2D Sidescrollers in the series and had no idea of the adult content within. Luckily for me she found games boring and never figured out that I was throwing money at strippers to see their juicy titties before murdering them, squishing aliens between doors, walking through porn stores, swearing, shitting down alien necks etc. and I was left to my fragile and extremely impressionable self while playing Duke 3D in its entirety.

I struggled to figure out how to install and run Duke3d.exe as I still had the brain capacity of a retard, but once I did I was immediately greeted with the 'Grabbag' theme song. Duh, duh, duh, da, da, da, duh, duh, duh, da, duh, da, duh, duh... yeah, you get it. I immediately started the first episode and jumped into Hollywood Holocaust on the pussiest setting because I was scared but ultimately still ready to commit an apparent mass genocide. Unfortunately the 'Aliens' that shot Duke down weren't illegal immigrant Jews but Extra Terrestrials. I put my disappointment behind me and continued my assault into L.A. After making my way through the porno theatre and getting an enormous pin dick erection after unlocking the whore footage on the theatre screen, I made my way back down past the concession stand and into a doorway. It was the bathroom:

Please ignore my pathetically low health on the easiest difficulty setting.

I shot the Alien in the top corner like the insignificant scum that he was and proceeded to the cubicles. My curiosity was running wild as I figured there must be a hidden item behind one of them and I proceeded to search. I opened the middle cubicle and to my surprise, there was an Alien exploding a shit in the toilet! My infant mind was absolutely blown away. Not for too long though as I soon blasted the cunt with bullets shot from one of the greatest pistols in FPS history. He started to choke to death as I mercilessly assassinated him into a deep puddle of blood. I was so stimulated and experiencing an adrenaline high from the adult moment that I started tee-bagging the corpse and humping it as Duke moaned in pleasure!

The mush on the right was penetration city!

The graphic violence from the video game changed my feeble brain forever. The splattered gore and adult themes had transformed myself into a murderous psychopath, just like all those miss-informed news reports from the era had stated. I was ready to start killing people in real life with weapons because the video game brainwashed me as humans apparently instantly mimic what they witness in fictional media. I was just about to kill everyone on the planet when I witnessed the toilet behind the sploshed Alien, and boy was it wonderful.

It stood graciously flat against the wall like the pristine, pixelated sprite that it was. Curvaceous hour glass waist, beaming with a secluded lake of sewerage and excrement encased around the edges. As I approached closer I daydreamed of the possibilities. "Could I interact with it?" I pondered. I gravitated against the toilet and gasped as I pressed the 'Use' button. Duke pulled down his pants and the toilet guzzled with an angelic tone as he relieved himself. "Ahh, that's better!" I could not believe that I had just pissed in a video game. Un-fucking-believable! I screamed! Not only that, but I was rewarded with health for it!

I told you George Michael's ghost was in the bathroom!

I had already forgotten about my plan 2 minutes prior to destroy mankind as I was completely enamored with the toilet. Although stimulation did soon return due to apparent symptoms of ADHD which are still left undiagnosed today and I started smashing the shit out of my computer from joy. But I was not absolutely content. Like a ravaged psychopath now corrupted by video games, I wanted more physicality. I decided if the toilet wouldn't offer more lewd actions, then the mass murder of the planet would be back on once I do a reverse home-alone and fly to America without my family to easily attain an automatic weapon as an unaccompanied child.

After trying every other action with little recourse, I decided during a tantrum to destroy the toilet with a ballet of bullets. If it didn't want me any more, no one could have it either. I then realised in the wreckage of crumbled virtual porcelain that the toilet had one more intimate moment to share:

An internal waterfall that was begging to escape from it's shell and express its love to me! In all of the emotional tyranny of jealousy and deceit, I realised that the toilet was teaching me a lesson. I learnt in that moment that destroying inanimate objects was a far more satisfying affair than exterminating the human race for a laugh.

I needed to thank the toilet for its teachings so I once again gravitated Duke towards the wreckage. As the sewerage water fiercely sprayed out of the digital plumbing pipes I decided to interact with it again to see if the game would allow one last stimulating interaction. Dukes lips touched the dirty sewerage for a passionate exchange of saliva as he drank it for me to show appreciation. The toilet showed its gratitude one last time as I turned duke away in a tearful goodbye.

Duke is a slave for my actions and desires.

To this day I still drink toilet water in real life to ensure I never forget that special moment. I encourage all Errorians to do the same. If you ever feel like you're having a bad day and have an urge to kill everyone, just drink some toilet water to calm your soul. It helps me and it can help you. ThankyouDuke Nukem 3D Toilet for changing my life for the better forever!