Not satisfied with their already jam-packed announcement period over the past week - which included a 'Mini Direct' and the reveal of the eccentric 'Labo' creators set, Nintendo has continued their unprecedented momentum and today unveiled 'Garbo' - an iteration of Labo for the lower socioeconomic demographic.
This reveal may come as a surprise to some, as other traditional outlets are still yet to report on Garbo, but this is largely due to the unusual method used to make the announcement. Nintendo decided to mail out VHS tapes to select establishments that identified as low income earners in their respected country's Census reports, hence why Era Error received the tape and others like the sexual assaulters at IGN didn't. The decision to promote Garbo this way wasn't just a random occurrence either, as Nintendo explicitly states in the video tape.
Unfortunately our peasantry resources at Era Error lack the ability to digitise VHS video, so you'll have to rely on our dictated accounts and screen-caps instead.
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| Nintendo Garbo. |
Strangely enough, the video arrived at our office already watched to completion, which forced us to agonisingly rewind the tape while we anticipated just what Garbo might be. Once we reached the beginning, Shigeru Miyamoto began to say a few words:
Did you enjoy rewinding the video, peasant? *Laughs* We decided to send this marketing promotion to losers like yourself who identified as low income earners as we presumed you couldn't afford a broadband connection to watch our Labo presentation the other day.
As odds suggest you haven't seen Labo, let me explain it in Layman's terms for your autistic mind to comprehend. Labo is a concept for Nintendo Switch which allows kids to make a bunch of random crap out of cardboard as they would for a 2nd grade craft project, only to then shove their Switch inside the monstrosity and make it act like a dumb shit robot while their parents laugh at how fucking stupid their children are despite being a product of their own genetics.
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| Nintendo Labo - The way film & media is these days, this actor probably touched the child. |
Luckily for you, we understand that your kind can't afford a Nintendo Switch, let alone Labo. Thanks to our devious, new marketing department working on the Switch, you won't be missing out! Prepare to be amazed by Garbo, our new platform and marketing scheme tailored for low-life scum. Garbo utilises the same premise as Labo, except for a few key differentials which I'll explain in detail.
But first, you'll need a Nintendo Switch. To obtain a Switch, simply ask your Welfare Supervisor to purchase one on your behalf. If you feel like taking things into your own hands, just walk into a store and steal one yourself. As long as a retailer or tax payer has financed Nintendo, we don't give a fuck how you get it.
Now as far as Garbo is concerned, it's already pre-packaged with the system. You see, Garbo is not a game like Labo, but an idea. Oh, you thought you were going to get a similar package!!?? No, no, no. *laughs* Only people who have money get to play the real Labo with their happy families. You're the filth of society, remember? You need to use your imagination!
To play Garbo, you need to source out some garbage to use as your cardboard robots instead. Don't let those smelly bin juices and disgusting stains deter you though. Pick up that moldy pizza box, grab that used condom with spooge in it and snatch that dead cat carcass soaked in blood!
The next step is to shove your 'benefits' paid Nintendo Switch into whatever you've found. It's imperative that you're as creative and vile with your 'Garbo' choices as possible. Hopefully your deranged brain has set its sights on a giant piece of human shit! *Laughs*
The final and most critical step is to play Garbo for Nintendo Switch in the most pedestrian intense public space as possible. We want people to see how pathetic and fucked up you look while playing your Switch shoved inside a used Waluigi doll's moldy slit! Don't be embarrassed about it either, Waluigi has done much worse in public.
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| Disappointed over Nintendo's marketing with the Wii U? You better be happy now! |
You see, we're utilising failed human beings as a brilliant marketing asset. When people see borderline homeless fucks trying to play an imagined version of Labo inside screwed up trash, our potential customers will rush to buy Switch products to avoid others thinking their children are beneath deranged train scum. How else did you think Kimishima was going to sell those 20 million Switch's this Calendar year???
We here at Nintendo also understand that you're incredibly offended from what we've just revealed to you, and you're now wondering what makes us think you're going to do as we say. Well... *Laughs* You've forgotten that I'm the motherfucking Shiggster!! Shiggy Fuck-ya-mum's-cunt-to! I'm the mushroom head that tricked 2.65 million people into buying Wii Music! I sold 13.5 million Wii U's and 770 thousand Virtual Boys for fucks sake! Now I'm the cunt who's going to make you steal a Nintendo Switch' and advertise for us freely with your wretched sensibilities in public!
Now. Look into my yellow Yo-yo as it spins away. Closely now
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| Mother 3 confirmed for the west. |
Son of a bitch! As fellow Errorian Jack Charge stated in a Facebook comment on our article about Super Mario Odyssey fans becoming possessed by the game on release, "we just can't afford a Switch either way".
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| We dearly hope the rest of you aren't taking this shit seriously! |
Looks like we have no choice but to claim a Switch through welfare funded by hard earning tax payers to help fulfill Kimishima's plan for 20 million sold this year. The joys of a democratic society!
