Following speculation that Gabe Newell is about to lose his Presidency at Valve, rumours have spread around the internet suggesting that a young games developer within the company may be about to take the lead.
Hi everyone, just wanted to send a quick tweet to let you all know that we're still not working on Half Life 3. LOL!!!!!!
Hi everyone, just wanted to send a quick tweet to let you all know that we're still not working on Left 4 Dead 3. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Hi everyone, just wanted to send a quick tweet to let you all know that we're not doing fuck all at the moment lol!
Damn, this tubby fuck keeps eating all my food out of the fridge, I need my sustinence to retain my position as president!
Far out, this flubber sure is bulking up, I think he's starting to grow a beard as well. God damnit! I was getting ready to start a diet and have a shave but I don't think that's going to be possible now!
Our curiosities were aroused by the above tweets, and we were desperate to find out what exactly Gabe was talking about. Era Error contacted the Valve offices and were imediately transfered to a young games developer who claimed to be the Carl's Jr. President of Valve.
TM: Hello, Carl's Jr. President of Valve speaking.
EE: Uh, Hi Mr President, we were wondering if we could speak to almighty Gaben actually.
TM: Sorry but that wont be possible, the President is currently running around the office demanding to see the contents of everyones lunch boxes. I can help you with whatever you need.
EE: Um .. ok, well my name is Mike I'm from Error Era .....
TM: ERROR ERA!!! Why didn't you say so?! You guys are my number one source for gaming news! Let me tell you about a little secret. So I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but Valve is actually a "Flat Organisation". What this means is that we have no bosses, everyone is equal and we can work on whatever we want whenever we want. A pretty common result of this company structure is that we never end up doing anything at all! But that's not the point, so what happened is Gabe misunderstood the company structure and thought it was called a "Fat Organisation". He began eating copious amounts of food to become the fattest member of the team.
He then declared himself the leader of Valve. He did a great job for a long time and since he started the company this seemed like a fair arrangement. But it didn't take long for him to become filled with power, and cream. We would write down ideas for Half Life 3 only to find that all of them had been consumed by almighty Gaben the next day. Every new character design for Left 4 Dead 3 had been devoured overnight by our power hungry overlord. Team Fortress 3, Portal 3, Dota 3, everything ripped to shreds and hurled in to the bottomless chasms of Gaben's insatiable stomach.
I knew that something had to be done. There was only one way to dethrone the Almighty Gaben. I had to eat! Every day I eat more and more in hopes that I may one day overthrow and reclaim what was once a fantastic games studio. Until then, we can only hope.
EE: Mr Jr. President, thank you so much for your time and for everything you do for the games industry, we can't thank you enough. Please just tell us one more thing, what is your true identity?!
TM: IT IS I, TUBBS MCFLUBBS!
Tubbs McFlubbs, the game industries only hope
