The video game industry loves its evil conglomerates, and the PC sector is no different. Everyone's favourite price gouging and overall rip-off gaming PC manufacturer, Alienware, has revealed a new SKU that will no doubt appeal to all the clueless, wannabe gamers out there with far too much cash to care. Alienware has named its new model the Plasma Extractor 2-Sec, and with features like the ones disclosed, it's set to be incredibly popular with its target market.
DELL (Owner of Alienware) has kindly sent us a promotional model to keep in exchange for some favours regarding their marketing campaign of the Plasma Extractor 2-Sec. A proposal we unanimously accepted.
Let's take a look at the hardware:
Specifications:
Intel Klamath Pentium II 266MHz
32MB RAM (SIMMs)
4GB HDD storage
ATI Rage Pro 3D card w/ 2MB vRAM.
3-1/2 Floppy Disk drive
Sound Blaster 1.5 CT1320C Sound Card
56k dial-up modem
Windows 95
17-Inch CRT Monitor
Mechanical Ball Mouse
Non-Mechanical Keyboard
Pro-Sound 2000 2.0 Speakers
ICE-Tray Cooling System
A Blue-Tooth
Aluminium Wi-Fi Antenna
Tenga SVR Smart Vibe Ring
Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit
At first glance, it becomes apparent that the Alienware Plasma Extractor 2-Sec is definitely taking the retro-futuristic route and embracing the past while looking forward. Every component included with the hardware has been 100% recycled and also completely organic, with no GMO's in sight. All parts are vigorously tested and confirmed operational by several of Alienware's staff - or somewhat acquaintances. Each element has also never been washed since obtained, with all original stains and filthy bacteria still prevalent all over the unit.
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| It appears far dirtier up close. |
Despite Mechanical Keyboards existing during the same targeted era and also seeing a recent renaissance, there is not one included in this package. Alienware has opted for a more modern, non-mechanical keyboard instead which is puzzling to say the least. Something we'll be clearing up with the CEO of Dell later in the article.
The ICE-Tray cooling system is another feature included that didn't exist in the 90's. It literally is an ice tray. Fill the tray with tap water, place in your freezer until frozen and then insert into the appropriate slot of the PC. Unfortunately our model of the Plasma Extractor 2-Sec started to spit electrical sparks and electrocuted one of our employees to death in the process. Alienware has assured us that our unit is an unfortunate and extremely rare occurrence. One which will not occur to other machines in the assembly line.
Also listed on the Spec sheet is Bluetooth which would've been a nice addition, if it weren't just another arbitrary, useless component. After further inspection of the APE2-S and opening the case, we found that there was just a blue plastic tooth rolling around inside unsecured like a ball bearing. The keyboard was missing keys and the mouse was missing it's mechanical ball, rendering it useless.
Things didn't get better from there. The Wi-Fi antenna was just a scrunched up piece of aluminium foil shoved inside the case. There was also a paper clip jammed inside the Floppy Disk Drive and the 13-inch Monitor's picture appeared to be severely destroyed by a magnet.
The most puzzling features of the Alienware Plasma Extractor 2-Sec can't even be remotely associated as PC components. 2 male sex toys have been meshed into the desktop tower which we're assuming were included to pleasure users while playing games or just to show their love and affection for the machine. Initially we were gob-smacked with their inclusion, but after rigorously testing each device we can confirm that it was a smart decision. We can't last longer than 2 seconds!
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| Some of the supplied ice cubes were filled with piss. |
As the piece of shit review model sent to us from Alienware is now fried and doesn't even work, we can't detail how the machine operates while in use. However, as I'll be harshly whipped by upper management if I don't meet my word count for this review, I decided to e-mail Michael Dell, the CEO of Alienware's parent company DELL to get some answers of the stranger aspects of the PC.
EE: Alienware was always renowned as a 'premium' gaming PC manufacturer. What caused the shift with this SKU and can you also please explain some of the stranger components included?
Absolutely. The concept with the Alienware Plasma Extractor 2-Sec is simple. Our consumer has always paid considerably more than market price for our products and we've exploited that at every opportunity. This SKU is pushing the boundaries of that mindset and testing just how stupid the people who buy our products really are.
We know our patrons will buy absolutely anything we sell, as long as there's an exuberant price tag attached to it. With this information in mind, we decided to cease creating our latest model with expensive cutting edge parts and started putting together a SKU made entirely of recycled 90's computer parts and added dumb shit like an Ice Tray to humiliate our customers for a cheap laugh. I personally scrunched up each piece of Aluminium foil and smashed it inside every unit myself!
We almost made the mistake of selling a mechanical keyboard with the APE2-S until one of our engineers told us that they have re-surged as a popular component of PC gaming. As a result, the only remotely modern piece of hardware included is the non-mechanical keyboard simply because it's inferior.
The sex toys were included as our market research states that our user-base is 100% pathetic, stupid male virgins who who would prefer to have sex directly with a computer instead of buying some cheap hookers. The name of the PC itself is referring to these people sticking their dick inside it and blowing their load after 2 seconds! Not all nerds are smart, as anyone who buys an Alienware product perfectly illustrates. Whack a puss-slot on anything and any loser will buy it.
The best thing is that this piece of shit will retail at US$5555+Tax and we already have 300,000 pre-orders! The Gamer God will be pleased. Maybe I could become him one day.
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| Michael Dell before demonstrating how to use a fleshlight in a video. |
Absolutely revolting stuff. The APE2-S is a despicable machine which has derived from nothing more than corporate greed. The piece of shit doesn't even function and it is just horrible, no matter what angle you look at it.
Having said that, here is our final score of the product:
