A long time video gamer with a vast history of raging tantrums induced from computer programs designed to entertain children, states that he doesn't regret smashing his newly purchased video game controller one bit. In a revolutionary interview conducted mere seconds after the incident occurred, the gamer's mood changed rather rapidly as time progressed.
EE: I think you need to calm down.
Gamer: Calm down???? Calm down????? Fuck you cunt!!!! I can't get past that fucking first level in Cuphead! Those stupid plants keep friggen killing me and it wasn't even my fault! The game just kept lagging and I must have died at least 50 times before I finally snapped and showed it who's fucking boss!!
EE: So if you believe it was the game itself which was causing you grief, why did you take rage against the new controller you just bought?
Gamer: Because you stupid fucking cock-munch, The controller must have been lagging like my past 25 controllers did!! There's no fucking way my inputs were registering properly otherwise I wouldn't have died would I!!?? So I made the swift executive decision to smash the absolute fucking shit out of the freshly unboxed $200 Xbox Elite controller against my head until I felt a crack - I didn't even care if it was my skull!! I then screamed a bunch of racist and fucked up remarks at the top of my lungs so my neighbours could hear me. I then proceeded to smash the controller into the ground until it disintegrated while psychotically cry-laughing. Someone in my building yelled at me and told me to shut the fuck up, so I then yanked my 70 inch TV off the wall, ripping the gyprock in the process and threw it over the balcony while manically screaming - I live on the 35th floor. I instantly heard a scream from an old lady, and I looked down only to notice that the TV had landed on that same bitch and she was splattered all over the place.
Not able to concede and let that stupid Cuphead game beat me, I ran down the fire-stairs and scooped the already molding corpse off the asphalt and into the nearby dumpster. That's when I ran into you on the street and I accepted your request for an interview up here.
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| It was quite the splat. |
Sooooo. No one is going to even care that I killed that lady as she was going to die soon regardless, right?
EE: Uhh... yeah man. Don't sweat it. I'm sure you'll be sweet if you claim insanity or something.
Gamer: *Deep Breaths* Good that's what I thought too. I should get away with it. This whole dilemma is entirely that god damn Cuphead game's fault anyway. Fuck, look at this apartment hey? I forgot I chucked a shit on the ground and smeared it everywhere during my rage. Huh, a smashed vase. Hmm, some knocked down cupboards. A hole in the wall. Oh yeah the smashed controller! Wow look at the mattress I lit on fire with my neighbour tied to it from my last tantrum this morning. Fuck I've killed people. FUCK, I'VE KILLED PEOPLE!!!!! I'm in trouble aren't I?
EE: Nah mate. You don't say.
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| There was a LOT of excrement on the Gamer's walls. |
DISCLAIMER: If anyone you know suffers from symptoms of gamer rage, please ensure that you do whatever it takes to agitate said person until they perform an action which is worth recording and posting to social media so we have something to report on. Any impending tantrum is worth acting upon.
