Embattled video game giant Electronic Arts who is currently destroying the industry with their newly released Battlefront 2, has today announced a new mobile app to compliment their already elaborate portfolio of revenue stealing properties. Instead of hiding their devious plans behind a bunch of disrespectful buzzwords, EA has this time blatantly stated that their new application is a straight up gambling portal - Betting Frenzy 2 (BF2).
We immediately reached EA CEO John Riccitiello for comment:
"I haven't worked at EA for several years you stupid fucks!!!"
We immediately proceeded to complete a google search and reached EA's Currency Extortion Officer (CEO) Andrew Wilson for a conference call:
AW: Can I please bother you for a glass of Milk?
EE: What? We're having a conference call. Get your own. Tell us about your current controversial strategy and how that lead to the creation of the Gambling App Betting Frenzy 2 (BF2):
AW: We're having a hard time trying to convey our vision of the New Video Game Order to the greater community - particularly with the newly released Star Wars BattleFront 2. Loot Boxes and Micro-Transactions are not the enemy - Independent developers (The Devel) are! Much like the fine art that
Gamer's worldwide should be outraged that their premium experiences are being sold at ridiculously low prices like they're meaningless trash and not worth anyone's time which is just insulting to them. We all know that the more a player spends on a video game, the larger the sense of pride and accomplishment they gain and that's exactly why we've loaded an absolute metric shit-ton of extra loot-boxes and micro-transactions in BattleFront 2. We always have the gamer's best interest at heart with every decision we've ever made. Unfortunately the Devel has brainwashed our consumer into thinking that the Gamer God, The Publishing Council and ourselves are the evil ones. It's fucked up. This is why we're trying to acquire every independent developer in existence and absorb them into our labour camps so they have no choice but to share our vision of mass revenue. Otherwise we'll gas their company into extinction like Visceral. *laughs*
This leads us into the long story of our new mobile app called Betting Frenzy 2 (BF2). We understand that most gamer's seem to be furious with our business decisions in Star Wars Battlefront 2 due to their brainwashing by the Devel, but truth be told we don't actually need them anyway. We've always targeted a demographic that is extremely susceptible to developing gambling problems like those who constantly watch and bet on Sports, and we already have those people hooked on BattleFront 2's gambling mechanics. We plan to beat a dead horse until it's carcass is absolutely dismembered and we'll be siphoning those people's revenue until every house has been foreclosed and those losers are rotting away on the street and decide to wander into one of our development camps.
 |
| One of EA's many Development Camps |
Unfortunately for the Gamer God and Publishing Council, our exorbitant gaming practices were still not satisfying them during their Grubby Tubby Greed rituals, and as such I was requested to obtain even more revenue. I didn't think it was possible to add any more 'value' to Battlefront 2. I mean the lucky gamer can gain up to $700USD by purchasing the $60USD game and selling over 10,000 hours of their shit meaningless lives already. It wasn't until I met a wonderful woman named Miss E.Brawn that I knew what to do. She told me to address the master race of gamblers already playing Battlefront 2 and other EA games directly by developing an app. This was when I decided on the Betting Frenzy 2 concept and sent our concentrat... development camps to work.
BF2 is a mobile phone app for iOS and Android which gives players of our games an easier portal to throw away their money on pointless shit. The interface is incredibly simple and intuitive and consists of only a few things.
1. A prompt to enter and save your credit card details.
2. A prompt to select which EA title you're currently playing.
3. A big red button to press.
Once you've selected your options and pushed the big button, the app will randomly select an amount of funds ranging from $5 to $999999999999USD and deduct it directly from your credit card and deposit it straight into EA's revenue. If you're lucky, there's a 1 in 999999999999999999999999 chance that you could possibly unlock an item or stat in the game you've selected. Since the app launched this morning we've been making $99999999999999USD a second, and only given away an alternate skin for Jar-Jar Binks that no-one wanted anyway. It's brilliant.
 |
| BF2 Advertisement |
EE: Any particular reason that this Betting Frenzy is titled as the second despite it being the first?
AW: That's just to piss off those salty fucks who are out to crucify BattleFront 2 so we decided to make this gambling extension have the same acronym. Simple as that.
EE: Almighty Fuhrer thanks for your time. As a fellow Australian, I commend you for not using the C-Word once during the interview. Most CEO's drop about 4 or 5 and I was certainly expecting a lot more from you.
AW: Fuck you Cunt!
