Nintendo has revealed that 4 brand new characters will be arriving to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe through paid DLC later this month.
The unexpected news has been met with a surprising amount of fanfare despite the rather lackluster content, as it appears many Nintendo fans are now experiencing unprecedented levels of a condition known as "Fanboy High". The condition is likely permeating from the runaway success of the Nintendo Switch over the past 6 months and is not looking to be contained any time soon.
Reggie Fils-Aime's press release explains all of the details.
"When we were looking to add value to the already packed content inside Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, we asked ourselves; 'What do our fans really want?' The answer was simple. More drivers that no-one will ever select except the CPU. When you analyse our selection of characters chosen for the upcoming DLC pack, you'll notice the tender love and care we have placed into all 4 considerations."
"We have confidence that our fans will be very pleased. Not necessarily because of what we have compiled for the DLC, but because we know they're all glazed by "Fanboy High" from our success with the Nintendo Switch over the past 6 months. With Super Mario Odyssey in the pipeline, we understand that we'll be given benefit of the doubt over our business decisions, so we've decided to squeeze a little bit of milk from the tits of the chubby cash cow and make some easy money from our stupid cunt fans. There's nothing better than releasing an unwanted DLC and dangling a cash carrot over the top of it. Consumers wont be able to resist and the revenue will make my moneybag testicles drag along the ground. It's going to be great!"
"To prove just how fucking genius our selections are for the DLC component, I'm going to emphasise heavily on each one."
"Baby Shy Guy: Since Double Dash people have been complaining about our inclusion of pathetic baby renditions of characters, and they didn't think the bar could sink any lower than Baby Daisy. Well think again! We utilised a computer algorithm to find the most lifeless character in the Super Mario Series and the conclusion was Shy Guy. The obvious decision was to combine him into a baby and that is how the offspring of the hermaphrodite character was born."
"Bronze Mario: People were making smart-ass remarks like 'God. What will they pick next? Bronze Mario?' Well yes you fucking assholes, Bronze Mario IS NEXT! What are you going to do about it?"
"Paratroopa: Initially we searched though every single character and were looking for the most incremental differences. After a stern analysis by our imprisoned game testers in our underground bunker we found that Paratroopa was the answer. A couple of shitty wings added on the back of the model and we were done. We also couldn't leave Koopa as the only character throwing its own species as a weapon on the track (better than eating them like that fucked up cannibal Toad). Better yet, we used obese variant from Super Mario RPG instead as a laugh!"
"F.L.U.D.D: I don't think decisions get any easier than this one. Super Mario Sunshine is by far the least favourite mainline Mario game in the series, and F.L.U.D.D is also one of the most universally hated characters. Bam. The piece of shit sprinkler was included."
"If you're wondering if I'm worried about any backlash over this snarky little press release, the answer is no. They're all fucking high from us releasing a novel piece of hardware, Zelda, Mario Kart, Splatoon, ARMS and the upcoming Mario Odyssey within the first fucking year."
"To prove my point on their disillusionment. Even though I've lied to them several (and I mean several) times over my ultimate reign of terror, they somehow believe that we are going to plentifully stock the SNES Classic. Fucking idiots!!"
 |
| "Fanboy High" |
When Era Error saw the news of the DLC we were pissed off at how fucking shit it looked, but after staring at our collection and seeing an NES & SNES Classic, Zelda, Mario Kart & Splatoon sitting there next to a Mario Odyssey pre-order receipt, we are now pumped to race as Bronze Mario. My body is ready Reggie. Penetrate it!
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe DLC pack 1 releases in North America on the 13th October, 2017 for US$40. That's only $10 per character!
