Gearbox Software has surprisingly announced a remastered version of 2011's infamous Duke Nukem Forever. An unexpected development to most, CEO Randy Pitchford states that the re-release is an obvious decision due to today's politically correct climate.
Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) was a disaster since its inception, largely thanks to its submission to a weird form of virtual fetish known to the tech world as development hell. The main perpetrator? Creator George Broussard (aka Broussad - See title screen where he spelt his own name wrong).
After carving a piece of history and releasing the critically acclaimed Duke Nukem 3D in 1995, George wanted to release a successor by 1998. Unfortunately his affection for Duke knew no bounds and he struggled to figure out how to express his love for it. keeping the game held against its will and constantly torturing it with development changes, Broussard pursued the impossible feat of perfection. This left its code mutilated and inevitably outdated from his actions while other games leapfrogged technically several times over 15 years.
Broussard's mismanagement became a joke for the industry, and the situation became so dire that he had to relinquish the I.P and close down the development team, leaving Gearbox Software to pick up the scraps and polish off the juicy turd sandwich.
And juicy turd sandwich it was! Even after several years of development by the dodgy fucks at Gearbox Software, Duke Nukem Forever was still an outdated, glitchy mess. The graphics were fucked, the gameplay was fucked, the humour and story was fucked. Everything was fucked.
These "fucked" points do bring up a very valid question though.. Why re-release a game that was critically panned by gamers and critics alike? Randy Pitchford explains exclusively to Era Error the apparently obvious decision.
"Duke Nukem Forever was a pathetic game, there's no denying that. What people forget pretty quickly though is that it was also incredibly offensive! It was sexist, crude and un-apologetically disrespectful to every facet of society. Unfortunately when it released in 2011, the western world wasn't as sensitive as it is in 2017. People accepted that humour and entertainment take different forms and appeal to a vast array of different people. "
"As a result, DNF didn't offend anyone on release like DN3D did in 1995. We missed out on so much free advertising generated from the media reporting on a controversy (which catapulted the sales of games like DOOM, Mortal Kombat, Carmaggedon and GTA) and that frustrated the hell out of our scum publisher 2K."
"Thankfully I thought of a brilliant way to stir up the controversy angle again with minimal effort — Remaster DNF and piss off every sensitive group by exploiting its offensive content harder on social media to create an anger shit storm! The game should go viral from all the sensitive pussies arcing up and I won't have to pay a cent on marketing. I also had one of our brilliant developers who worked on the incredible Aliens: Colonial Marines to open up the glitched DNF engine and turn on the 4k setting. That's it for development too!"
"I already have the discs printing and we'll have this piece of shit out before Christmas so all the dopey teenagers can eat it up because it's cool to buy controversial stuff, even if it's fucking shit. Hail to the king baby!!!"
Only two hours after posting incredibly offensive tweets on Gearbox Software's official Duke Nukem Twitter, the tweets went viral worldwidwe marking the beginning of the planned social media "meltdown".
To no-one's surprise, social justice warriors have taken Randy Pitchford's bait and returned fire so the world knows how butt hurt they are from the deliberately insensitive comments. Unfortunately for them, the official Duke Nukem account has re-tweeted their responses for free marketing:
I was going to place a photo of Randy "Aliens Colonial Marines is a good game" Pitchford's smug face in this article to illustrate him running straight to the bank with his Duke Nukem Forever Remastered money, but a simple google image search of "Randy Pitchford" did the job for me. Look at that face. He would never do anything wrong to anyone, would he?...
