A ruthless Nintendo Shareholder has successfully peer pressured Japanese Nintendo Executives into restarting production of the infamous NES Classic Edition.
Era Error has landed an exclusive interview with the shareholder (who wishes to remain anonymous), after using some magical peer pressure techniques.
Shareholder: "How the fuck did you manage to trick me into this interview?"
EE: Classic schoolyard banter. I think I called you a pussy at least 50 times!
Shareholder: "Awww shiiiiiiit."
EE: Why and how did you trick bigwig Nintendo Executives into re-starting production of the NES Classic?
Shareholder: "The answer is obvious isn't it? There was absolutely no reason for production to stop as consumer demand was never satisfied. Not even close. It goes against every business principle conceived. The NES Classic was a licence to print money, but you know, Nintendo had to be Nintendo and just absolutely fuck it up. People say that they were trying to create artificial scarcity as a way of viral marketing, but I wouldn't give them that much credit. They're just a bunch of spastics!"
"I was like every other loser out there trying to secure an NES at a decent price, but no matter how hard I tried, I failed! My wife packed up and left me because she said I couldn't provide her the basic human right of shitty 8-bit video games like Balloon Fight or Donkey Kong Jr and wasn't going to put up with it. I gave her some logic and said that we could just buy a Raspberry Pi and emulate those games
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| The devastating toll playing video games takes on the body after only 2 weeks. |
"Every now and then I'd muster enthusiasm between jerking off for a plan to save the NES Classic. The cheap, plasticy console was my Private Ryan. I was going to march straight into war and save that cunt. My newly acquired programming skills taught me a thing or two, and after punching in a couple of 1's and 0's into my computer, it magically transported me into Kyoto, Japan — right out the front of Nintendo's headquarters."
"There was an old security guard smiling and waving at every employee as they walked through the entry gates so I decided to try blend in with the crowd. It was easier said than done as I was now in a wheel chair due to myself being fat and fucked — If only I was in my motherland where I would've blended in better — but I tried to sneak in anyway. The guard looked directly at me and knew I didn't belong, but because I appeared so pathetic and retarded, he just quivered and looked the other way. I was in. I made it into the impenetrable fortress!"
"I walked through to find Mario & Luigi standing there. They said something in Japanese so I told them to learn to speak fucking English. The Mario Bros. glared angrily and shouted basic English phrases like 'It's a me' and 'woah!!' but I had no time to play games, *drum hit* so I made like a Wii U disappeared without acknowledgement."
"I drifted around the corner only to be swallowed by a piranha plant that spat me up into the clouds to the executive suites. A bunch of Koopa's surrounded me but I fucked them all up with my wheelchair that drifted through them into mush like a Mario Kart until I reached a warp pipe. I used the feather item that magically appeared as it suited the scenario of this story and it transported me on top of the pipe. I pushed down as hard as I could and it swallowed me like a dirty hooker finishing off Waluigi and I went down into the unknown. Amazingly it took me to World 8-4 — The final floor of the building."
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| Koopa Karnage. |
"I always thought that President Kimishima was the man behind the NES Classic's untimely demise, but the culprit was Shigeru (Shiggy) Miyamoto. He greeted me with his trademark smile and tendered a complimentary question block to hit. To my dismay a purple poison mushroom was summoned and I only just dodged the bloody thing before it scrolled away off screen."
"Shiggy had the opening attack of a short verbal back and forth: 'Why did you come here?' he asked. His voice sounding like a poorly optimised NES voice file. For some reason I replied 'What percentage of development is the next F-Zero Shiggz?'"
"'The answer is in the name. Fucking ZERO!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!' Miyamoto then began the slow tranformation to his final form of Bowser."
"This was my best chance of having my way. Bowser is an absolute gimp in the Mario universe as he always manages to lose in the end despite the odds so I cut him a deal. 'I want the NES Classic to be placed back into production by Summer 2018. What can I give to satisfy you for this offer?'"
"'Peaches. I want Peaches Geldoff!!' Bowser Roared."
"Mate you can't have Peaches. She's dead. I think you mean Princess Peach. Which you can't have either as she's getting thrashed by Mario. How about Daisy? If you kidnap her you two can live happily ever after in Isle Delfino. Luigi is too busy being sucked off by his vacuum cleaner in his apartment to attempt to save her!"
"'OK.' Said Bowser."
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| The pixelated transaction transpiring. |
"The deal was done. Bowser summoned Kamek to jizz from his wand and teleport me home. In 5 minutes I was back to rigorously masturbating in my basement like nothing had happened when my ex-wife appeared, begging for me to take her back. She became so desperate for bits that she started hanging around some Sega guy who had a dodgy At-Games Mega-Drive Classic. The hardware and games on it were so shit that it gave people Blast Processing poisioning (the equivalen tof AIDS), so I told her to go and get fucked. THE END."
EE: What in the actual fuck did you even just say?
Shareholder: "I ate a lot of magic mushrooms in my Mom's basement while trying to hype myself up for the quest."
EE: Did any of that even happen or are you just making shit up?
Shareholder: "Umm........"
Thankfully we can all rejoice because Nintendo is actually starting a new production of its NES Classic, ready for release by mid-year 2018. In the mean time we'd like to advise our viewers to stay far away from that piece of shit At-Games Mega-Drive Classic until Sega gets off their ass and produces a Mini system the people deserve.
We'd also like to say a big fuck you to all of the scalpers who made a killing from securing large quantities of the NES Classic Edition and selling them back at inflated prices. We're super salty that we couldn't get in on the action ourselves. Lucky bastards.
