We were recently privileged with the company of Nintendo America's 'Almighty Fuhrer' Reggie Fils-Aime. We attempted to throw a few interview questions at the CEO, but it seemed to turn into a tangent instead.
DISCLAIMER: This article originally appeared during an Era - hah - when we were known as NoClipp. Times have since changed. Our garbage content hasn't.
Era Error: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us Reginald. It's truly an honour.
"Please, call me Fuhrer." He said.
EE: Riiiiight. Let's begin the interview. What would you say was one of Nintendo's internal strengths that the public might not be aware of?
"Since the release of the N64 we've instilled a culture of creating demand for features and products that should have always existed for years and never deliver them — We also find it incredibly hilarious! When the stubborn Japanese headquarters finally decides to catch up, our fans are overjoyed in happiness and shower us with praise when in reality they should still be pissed as hell. It's quite the nifty trick!"
"Unfortunately the dopey consumer somehow discovered this during the release of the Wii U and we can no longer get away with stupid business decisions anymore. Now we need to actually try and make the NX a good system as even our die-hard fans have stopped throwing their money at our crap. We want to have endless cash to blow on cocaine and booth babe prostitutes again like we did during the Wii/DS era. It's been far too long."
EE: Was the creation of the Wii a focused endeavour to please fans or an attempt for the contrary?
"The Wii was an endeavour to feed our satisfaction of pissing off our userbase more than rewarding our future product with a revenue boost. After only mildly disappointing with the purple lunch box, [GameCube] which had no DVD playback or decent data capacity, we really wanted to anger people. That's how the Wii concept was born. We started with the promise of a game changing video game console. One that had an unbelievable name that everyone loved. [The Revolution] The world was hyped."
 |
| Exhibit A. One of the coolest gaming names ever conceived. |
"Then at E3 2006, we revealed the Wii — the worst name we could think of. It was severely under powered and had a stupid wank gimmick we thought people would hate! For some reason the industry loved it and to our dismay it became a phenomenon. We had barely any consoles manufactured as it was meant to be a joke, but after 118 million 'double GayCubes duct-taped together', well, here we are."
"We even had a plan to make stunningly crafted games in every IP we owned, which would be severely hampered by technical limitations and waggle controls. Surely that would've been enough to hype fans up and crush them for our own enjoyment, but no, people still loved our games! In fact people think Super Mario Galaxy 1+2 are the best games in the series. I just don't get it. They also kept selling like fucking hotcakes. The worst Mario Kart ever made sold 36.53 million. Wii Sports, which is barely a game, sold 82.69 million. It really pissed us off!"
At this point, Reggie wouldn't stop ranting about the subjec.
"Iwata had a great plan to combat our success and disappoint the rampant fanboys when it all seemed impossible. His idea, was to produce the worst E3 press conferences ever seen, with consistently terrible announcements and cringe-worthy performances. For the gaming press and core gamer, it finally achieved the results we wanted. Unfortunately, the spastic casual didn't care and kept buying the Wii. It was a nightmare and truly some dark times for the company."
 |
| "Remember the repulsive Cammy Dunaway? We only hired her for E3 appearances to piss you all off." |
"We called an emergency meeting in Tokyo after E3 2010 to ensure we finally succeeded in our goal of crushing fans and seeing their sweet tears of bitter disappointment. It was there that 'Project Cafe' was finalised. We had to incorporate a few things to succeed. 1. The stupidest, most confusing name for our product that would kill off interest from casuals (WiiU). 2. Come up with a completely flawed concept that doesn't work properly (tethered tablet). 3. Never utilise that very concept ourselves. 4. Again promise a powerhouse system and deliver a Fischer Price equivalent. 5. Release new entries in the worst software series from last generation. 6. Come up with an annoying catch phrase that rubs insults in to the wounds (Please Understand)."
"These 6 factors ushered in a perfect storm. The Wii U was even more of a piece of shit than the Virtual Boy. Everyone was fucking furious and upset beyond our wildest dreams. We've been so happy. We finally achieved our decades long goal of building people up and dropping them to hell for a laugh. Totally worth the wait."
"People were so fucking furious that we had to release Splatoon and Mario Kart 8 to calm them down. We're not quite done yet though. Just wait for Star Fox Zero. It's going to be so fucking shit, I can't wait to watch the angry reactions online with Shiggy and laugh our asses off when it releases. We were going to release a terrible new entry in the F-Zero series as well, but that would've taken it too far."
 |
| " Think you can fuck up a product more than us? I'd like to see you try!" |
"Unfortunately we've now exhausted our funds. The Wii U was such a successful flop that we simply have no money left. We need to produce compelling hardware before we can start fucking with our fans again. So enjoy the NX platform as it will return Nintendo to the amazing, old money making company you loved in the past. Just be wary after that. We may decide to release the Vitality Sensor. (Laughs)"
We asked Fils-Aime if he had any last words.
"Fuck Third Parties!" He said.
