To mark the beginning of the official 2018 hype train for Red Dead Redemption 2, Rockstar games has revealed its accompanying Collectors Edition ahead of schedule. First detailed in an e-mail sent to subscribers of Rockstar's online newsletter, the collectors edition contains some very interesting components which will leave a particular facet of fans extremely pleased.
Behold, the Alco Edition - A collectors pack entirely composed of extras appealing to borderline suicidal alcoholics. An angle that would normally be avoided by publishers, Rockstar/Take 2 are known to be fearless in their subject matter and have once again taken strong themes and construed them to great effect.
A statement attached to the newsletter by Rockstar's recently acquired Associate International Community Manager explains the reasoning behind the selected theme:
"To all our fans of Rockstar and Red Dead Redemption,"
"We understand that some of you are struggling to deal with the stress of waiting for the upcoming release of RDR2 this year. To help tide those individuals over, we've decided to alter our plans with a revised Collector's Edition and release it ahead of schedule."
"The original collector's edition (like all others) was filled with a bunch of useless, generic shit that no functioning human being would desire outside of pre-release hype and was purely designed to siphon additional surcharges from gullible people. However, after scrolling through the comments on all of our social media accounts, we discovered that 99% of the messages left were sad, desperate and almost incoherent pleas for Rockstar to release the game early."
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"This helped Rockstar come to the conclusion that these fans must be raging, depressed alcoholics. If the release of a video game is the only highlight of these people's lives, then we felt obliged to do something to help out. Although releasing Red Dead Redemption 2 early was not an option, altering our Collector's Edition and releasing it earlier without the game to cater to these mentally deranged fans absolutely was."
"Introducing the Red Dead Redemption 2: Alco Edition!"
"The Alco Edition Includes:"
"Red Dead Redemption 2 Video Game Case: The authentic, standard edition case is included for your leisure to help tide you over until release.
Season Pass Code: Bathe in the glory of being that fuckwit with the $60 season pass pre-paid and ready to go.
Moonshine & Growler (2 Litres): Drown your deep, emotional sorrows with this extremely potent concoction which will wipe your consciousness away. Leaving you in an almost paralyzed state, any idea that comes to fruition will seem like a brilliant thought.
Prostitute Render Gallery: Let your physical inhibitions run wild as you gaze at computer renderings of naked character models from the game. Who cares if the women aren't real? That doesn't stop the other dorks wanking to Hentai and fucking sex dolls!
Real Human Skull: As the potent alcoholic cocktail overwhelms your senses, gaze into the 100% authentic human skull. Freshly dug up from the graveyard near our office, understand your mortality and wonder if waiting for a video game is actually a problem.
Broken Glass Bottle Shards: A replica glass bottle of Limping William's Sour Mash Whiskey. Already smashed into pieces, the bottle shards will assist in causing bodily harm to yourself and others while you're inside an emotional rage, thanks to the 91% alcohol roaming around your body.
Legitimate Sawn-Off Shotgun & Shells: What could possibly go wrong with having a live fire-arm in your possession while severely intoxicated? Just like the good old days of the Wild, Wild West, operate the deadly Shotgun to fit your leisurely desires and answer all of your life's problems with a simple pull of the trigger."
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"The Alco Edition is the most accessible Rockstar release ever, thanks to our overlords at Take-Two who found a loop-hole to manipulate the ESRB. Seeing as the RDR2 game is not included with the package, we've downgraded the rating from Mature 17+ to Everyone. The included Moonshine is so potent that it's classified as a commercial grade cleaner and exempt from any age restrictions. Best yet, as Sawn-Off Shotguns are recognized as safer items than Kinder Surprises in the U.S, no one cares about its inclusion which allows us to sell this ludicrously fucked package to children! Kids will love playing with these funky items and our publisher will love the boost to the already ridiculous projected sales for Red Dead Redemption 2. Everybody wins!"
"Now that we've made some compromises for our weakest fans, we don't want to hear any more complaining about the delay, OK?? Everyone at Rockstar is fucking sick of the fucking constant whinging from you fucks, and when this Alco Edition releases next week, we expect it to stop. I mean it's just a meaningless video game for fucks sake! If you can't handle the wait, go and drink some Moonshine and play with the Sawn-Off Shotgun. Film yourself while you're at it and post it to social media under #RDR2AlcoEdition too. Any publicity is great for Rockstar!"
Take 2 sent a Press copy of the Alco Edition to Era Error for review and we have to say, Jesus fucking Christ! Not one of us can remember what happened last night. I found myself in the dumpster this morning with a bunch of glass shards pierced through my skin. Almost all of our employees are accounted for, except for the 15 year old intern. I wonder where he went?
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| Holy fuck! Well he did say he liked Nirvana. |
NOTE: Alco Edition available in the United States of America only. Denounced in all other civilized Countries.
If this article offended you in any way, be sure to leave a comment on one of our social media pages so we can look at it and do nothing about it.
Also, please don't kill yourself or others with a Shotgun (or anything for that matter) if you're dumb enough to contemplate it.
If this article offended you in any way, be sure to leave a comment on one of our social media pages so we can look at it and do nothing about it.
Also, please don't kill yourself or others with a Shotgun (or anything for that matter) if you're dumb enough to contemplate it.
