Super Mario fans from the world over are finding themselves in a strange state of suspended animation after the critically acclaimed Super Mario Odyssey released on Switch last Friday.
Players who inserted the cartridge into their console (handheld? who cares, calm down!) and witnessed its wonderful pixels on display are yet to stop playing and now showing strange symptoms reminiscent of the infamous video game myth 'Polybius'.
Reports circulating on social media suggests that the personalities of Odyssey players have now completely changed since they entertained themselves with the plumbers latest adventure and don't appear to be resetting back to normal any time soon.
Era Error reached out to a concerned spuse of an Odyssey gamer for more information on this alarming development.
"Ever since my husband turned on the latest Mario game on Friday, he has not left the couch for anything. Not to eat, not to shit, nothing!" - said NaggingWife_75.
"As soon as Mario Squealed 'Super Mario Odyssssseeeeyyyy!!' in Charles Martinet's strangely pre-pubescent tone, he was a completely different person. He used to be my loving partner of 22 years. After? A slave to a video game! He won't recognise anyone else in the room or take his eyes away from the screen. It's just absurd. I think he's been brainwashed!"
"All he does is constantly praise the game and Nintendo to an unhealthy degree while playing which is fucking disturbing to witness coming out of a full grown man. In fact, I wrote one of brash statements down:"
"I've been waiting for this since Super Mario 64 and it delivered. It's the best game ever made. I can't believe how good it is! Holy hell it's so god, damn good! The controls! The environment! The animations! The colour! Mario looks so friggin' cool! The environments are huge! Jesus christ I can turn into that? Man this world is massive! Wow I didn't know I could do that! Aww this game controls so well! Look at that boss! Damn dude how did those Jap's make this run on a handheld!? I don't even mind the forced motion controls! Bro each world has a map like a tourist pamphlet! A Koopa race in the first main level like it should??? These guys are the best!!!! This is the best moment of my life!"
— "It just went on and on."
"The most alarming thing he said was: 'I don't even care if there's no mushrooms which is an absolute cardinal sin to the Mario universe. It's just that good!!'"
"As the day turned into evening and the time stretched into the early morning, his peculiarity started to become more aggressive in it's positivity:"
"Fuck yes cunt this fucking game is the fucking shit! Fuck my wedding, the Peach/Bowser one is the only one for me! Fuck my kids and family, they're a bunch of fucking losers!!Fuck yeah Nintendo you fucking legends! This my dream come true! No one can doubt the fucking legend that is this game! Fuck you Sony! Fuck you Microsoft! Fuck you PC cunts! I can't believe this game fucking exists, holy fucking shit!!! ODDDDDYYYYSSSSEEEEEYYYYYY YA SEEE YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!! THIS IS THE FUCKING PINNACLE!! FIGHT ME IF YOU DISAGREE! YOU WANNA FUCKING GO CUNT!! MARIO IS MA BOY AND I'LL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE!!!!"
"He then turned to me and slammed his NES Classic Mini into the ground as he said it was now as worthless as me and told me to get the fuck out of the room. I initially obliged but I then decided to start spying on him to document his actions to share with the world instead."
"After that confrontation, (which was only a few hours ago actually) he made Mario run into a Crazy Cap store and selected his swimmer costume. My husband then proceeded to pull his pants down and masturbate over it. 'I've finally seen Mario's Nipples for the first time in 32 years. Oh yeah!' He screamed while performing the deed. I left the house in disgust and decided to go for a walk to clear my head."
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| Moments before some vigorous Masturbation. |
"At this point I realised that my domestic incident was not an isolated problem. I decided to walk through my local park (at 5am Saturday morning) and there was about 100 people in there playing their Nintendo Switch's with their hands down their pants yelling 'Odyssey, Ya See!'. It was like something out of Twin Peaks and I had a nervous breakdown"
"I ran back home, straight past my husband (oh the things he was doing to himself with the HD Rumble) and logged on to Twitter to find it was littered with similar stories! I decided to sleuth further online and was startled to find some very strange information."
Apparently, the alleged company behind the mythical video game Polybius from the early 1980's — Sinneslöschen — is listed in Odyssey's credits. Polybius is a rumoured video game who's contents was said to be capable of brainwashing its user, and linked to the US government. It would certainly explain the behaviour of all the people I witnessed this morning."
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| Unfortunately for NaggingWife_75, she forgot to put clothes on before her walk. |
"I decided to see how things shaped up in the morning. Maybe I was in a shitty dream like Mario in the pathetic story of Doki Doki Panic! When I woke up, my husband was still playing Odyssey. He hadn't slept. I asked him how he was feeling."
"Hey I'm fine. I heard you thought I was brainwashed from the game. What a stupid thought! Everyone playing right now is just having a great time. We've been waiting for a 3D Mario of this caliber for 20 years! We all wanted to be left alone. That's why you encountered those people in the street. They were trying to get away from people bugging them to stop playing when they didn't want to. No brainwashing!"
"This left me confused as it didn't explain my husband's rude actions towards me if he wasn't brainwashed to which he explained."
"Oh I just fucking hate you and I've been waiting years to finally show it. You are a control freak nagger and I've had enough. Odyssey gave me the courage to say 'Here we go, off the rails. Don't you know it's time to raise our sails. It's freedom like you never knew. Don't need bags, or a pass. Say the word I'll be there in a flash. You could say my hat is off to you....' I'm leaving you and I'm now dating Princess Pauline. Did you know she's back and the Mayor of New Donk City? She's so hot! Damzel in distress no more. I could fuck up Donkey Kong if he came back anyway. Odyssey, ya See! Fuck yeah I love that game! It's the best game ever! Waited 20 years for it! Mario fucking rules..."
"Despite my (soon to be ex) Husband's assurance that he's not brainwashed, I feel like I dodged a Bullet Bill. This unexpected divorce might be the best thing for me! Fuck that loser. Who gets excited for a Mario game when they're older than 12 years old?"
This Era Error journalist happens to be a very excited Mario fan at the ripe old age of 25. As such, I would like to congratulate the husband on a happy divorce. You made the right decision mate. Odyssey, ya see! Odyssey, ya see! Fuck what a brilliant game Super Mario Odyssey is, don't you think? Cappy is just the sickest! The levels! The details! The controls! The...
